My first impression is that this seems like a lot.? I’d expect someone’s eyes are going to glaze over before you finish reciting this in an elevator.? But maybe that’s just me.

On a quick side note, the way you use “her sibling” and “her sister” in the same sentence seems awkward.

The thing that’s standing out to me as something I’m not sure about… the teenager is being portrayed as naive and rambuctious, and coercing her way into the singing act.? However she gets into the singing act, you’re trying to make it appear like she’s bad for getting in on the act, and therefore the sister is justified to be upset.? And therefore, it’s up to the teenager to “make amends”.

But what I think is… the sister is selfish for expecting to have the stage to herself.? Why should the teenager have to make amends to that self-centered diva?

Out of your logline, the thing that I still get hooked by is mainly what I suggested before… a teenager gets carried away by rock n’ roll and ends up pregnant, then her future hangs in the balance.? The 1963’s England part I know you like, and honestly, I think it’s kind of cool too, so even though I think it’s optional, I wouldn’t blame you for including that still.

It’s good, but the last part seems a little ambiguous… I don’t see a reason not to replace “those who want him dead” with something more descriptive.? Also, it’d be nice if it was a little more concrete that the “knowing when you die” is “the system” you refer to.? Maybe something like this?:

In a world governed by a system that dictates when people will die, a man who famously avoids his fate must escape capture by the system’s enforcers.