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A young man smokes marijuana chronically for a decade despite disapproval from his parents, mainly because he enjoys its numbing and uplifting effects, which helps when you despise the state of the world.
What is the result of him smoking marijuana for that long?? What? must he do over the course of the story?? He just sounds like a cantankerous little pothead and I don't really need to know more until he has something to worry about.
What is the result of him smoking marijuana for that long?? What? must he do over the course of the story?? He just sounds like a cantankerous little pothead and I don’t really need to know more until he has something to worry about.
See lessA farmer believes there are reincarnated humans trapped in the bodies of his goats and together they escape into the forest where the livestock speak for the first time, their agenda sinister, their ambition astronomical.
This is a good setup.? I think it's attention grabbing and amusing.? But you need a goal here for the farmer.? Now that he's able to communicate with the animals, I guess you want him to stop their evil plans and save the world.? It'd be nice if it was a little more interesting than that, but it's bRead more
This is a good setup.? I think it’s attention grabbing and amusing.? But you need a goal here for the farmer.? Now that he’s able to communicate with the animals, I guess you want him to stop their evil plans and save the world.? It’d be nice if it was a little more interesting than that, but it’s better than just saying what he discovers the goats are up to.? As of now, I’d definitely want to see the trailer, but I’m not convinced you have a worthwhile story yet.
See lessA timid young woman, a former recluse, gets her dream job at a prestigious real estate agency and must compete with its cutthroat male agents.
I'm thinking if there is a hook, it's not working on me.? Not sure how "former recluse" is needed for the logline.? Why is she going to have a hard time dealing with her male counterparts?? Timidness explains enough, and I can surmise sexism is likely too.? But dealing with that is not enough to hooRead more
I’m thinking if there is a hook, it’s not working on me.? Not sure how “former recluse” is needed for the logline.? Why is she going to have a hard time dealing with her male counterparts?? Timidness explains enough, and I can surmise sexism is likely too.? But dealing with that is not enough to hook me into a story.? What more is she trying to accomplish, or what more is special about her situation?? Also, “prestigious” does make the real estate company seem better, so that’s good, and it being a real estate company does a good job at justifying the conflict.? So it’s a pretty solid premise… just not that interesting.? Looking at the previous comments, I see Nir brought up something similar as the first point, so I’m in agreement on that.? ?Personally though, and this might be just my lack of expertise… I see “timid” as a decent character flaw to work with.? I’d just focus on the stakes.
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