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(REVISION #6):? When a na?ve, rambunctious teenage singer in the early sixties in England succumbs to the seductive excesses of the Rock?n Roll lifestyle, she ends up pregnant and is pressured to get an illegal abortion that changes her life forever.
I'm thinking we can trim this down and add some meat to what the teenager's goals are. When a rambunctious teenage singer succumbs to the Rock n' Roll lifestyle and ends up pregnant, she must choose to either undergo an illegal abortion, or give up her career.
I’m thinking we can trim this down and add some meat to what the teenager’s goals are.
When a rambunctious teenage singer succumbs to the Rock n’ Roll lifestyle and ends up pregnant, she must choose to either undergo an illegal abortion, or give up her career.
See lessIn a future where attention is the new currency, an introverted high school junior struggles to maintain a low profile when the release of a slandered film prompts violent plans from his socially ostracized peers.
Attention being the new currency I'm assuming means attention is valued, right?? So this introverted student seems ill-suited to succeed in this world.? There's some interesting conflict there.The thing about the film being released I guess is supposed to be an inciting incident, but, there are a coRead more
Attention being the new currency I’m assuming means attention is valued, right?? So this introverted student seems ill-suited to succeed in this world.? There’s some interesting conflict there.
The thing about the film being released I guess is supposed to be an inciting incident, but, there are a couple of issues with it.
First, this slandered film… is slandered being used right there?? Did you mean a slandering film?? At this point, I’m guessing that this film exposes something the introvert did that angers some of his peers, but I’m not sure.
Second, what do the violent plans have to do with the introvert?? The fact that they’re mentioned together with the student and the problematic film makes me think there’s some revenge that’s going to happen, but the way it’s written in the logline, they could be planning to stomp about in a mosh pit.
And, the logline tells us that the introvert has some buddies that are socially ostracized.? Okay, I think I get it.? You’re implying that the film is a bunch of lies, garners the introvert a bunch of undeserved attention that he didn’t want anyway, and the buddies are jealous of the attention, perhaps knowing that the film is a pile of horseshit, and wants to take him down a notch.
This sounds like it might be a pretty good story, but I don’t think I’d grasp it in time if you told it to me in an elevator.? Maybe I’m just slow, but I recommend making things more clear.
See lessWhen a young assassin discovers a conspiracy that could destroy the very nation she swore to serve, the hunter becomes the hunted when she becomes the target of the organization that raised her.
I think I like this, but... it's written a little weird.? You are referring to the nation as an organization, right?? Or is there an organization that raised her, and then later in life, she swore fealty to a nation, and now her loyalty is divided?? It's unclear.? And also, I'd consider replacing "yRead more
I think I like this, but… it’s written a little weird.? You are referring to the nation as an organization, right?? Or is there an organization that raised her, and then later in life, she swore fealty to a nation, and now her loyalty is divided?? It’s unclear.? And also, I’d consider replacing “young” with something that describes who owns this assassin.? This is a secret government assassin, right?? ?Meant to clear up threats to national security, or perhaps targets that people within the government “claim” are threats? (hence the conspiracy)? I’m assuming that’s where you’re going with this.? Can use clarification.
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