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A young girl taken to an alternative world to be the starchild to save the world by putting on a ring called the starring given by God
You're focusing too much on world-building and not enough on plot: Alternative world, fun. Starchild!? Ooooo. Good to know the ring is called the "starring". Given by a god?? OMG! Not trying to make fun.? Just emphasizing what I'm noticing.? Sounds like a nice fantasy adventure.? But what isRead more
You’re focusing too much on world-building and not enough on plot:
Alternative world, fun.
Starchild!? Ooooo.
Good to know the ring is called the “starring”.
Given by a god?? OMG!
Not trying to make fun.? Just emphasizing what I’m noticing.? Sounds like a nice fantasy adventure.? But what is wrong with the world?? What’s so special about this girl, that she should be given this responsibility?
See less(5th revision) A half-wolf child causes a corpse to awake, thus disgracing his genie tutor; his redemption happens by learning about the human soul and becoming Anubis, the god of the dead.
You already have "half-wolf child", and "god of the dead"... I don't think the genie tutor needs to be mentioned.? I think there is a common thread though.? One must properly respect the dead in order to lead them, and defiling/animating corpses is not a good start.? Can the logline just focus on thRead more
You already have “half-wolf child”, and “god of the dead”… I don’t think the genie tutor needs to be mentioned.? I think there is a common thread though.? One must properly respect the dead in order to lead them, and defiling/animating corpses is not a good start.? Can the logline just focus on that?? Do we have to mention “learning about the human soul” explicitly?
See lessWhen his wife leaves him and his world falls apart, a depressed control-freak attempts to tie up all the loose ends in his life and with those he cares about as he plans his own suicide
You have an inciting incident, sure, but... it just seems like something very sad that happens that we'll be asked to witness.? Might be kind of interesting, but likely slow, emotional, and painful with no conflict.? I'm sure there's internal conflict, but I'm not sure that's enough to keep the audiRead more
You have an inciting incident, sure, but… it just seems like something very sad that happens that we’ll be asked to witness.? Might be kind of interesting, but likely slow, emotional, and painful with no conflict.? I’m sure there’s internal conflict, but I’m not sure that’s enough to keep the audience engaged.
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