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A sheltered teenage nerd, convinced he's the son of a missing heavy metal legend, joins a band of misfit headbangers to carry on his father's legacy.
Since you make a point of saying "he's convinced", I'm going to assume he isn't the son of the legend, but the result is he blossoms and becomes a star in his own right. A coccoon-to-butterfly transformation. If that's the case, I think it works as an effective logline. It's under thirty words, andRead more
Since you make a point of saying “he’s convinced”, I’m going to assume he isn’t the son of the legend, but the result is he blossoms and becomes a star in his own right. A coccoon-to-butterfly transformation. If that’s the case, I think it works as an effective logline. It’s under thirty words, and hits most of the elements. I think the concept might be original enough and certainly low-production enough, to draw interest. You might improve it slightly by adding “when” in the beginning. This forces you to include an obstacle and ratchet up the conflict.
Good job!
Geno Scala (sharkeatingman), judge.
See lessIn a bankrupt city, with jobs on the line, old George and Phil must compete to be the fastest garbage men they've ever been. The young new guys are fast, but are they smart?
I get the humor, but the two (bankrupt city and fast garbage men) don't really go together. They are competing to be among the fastest to retain their jobs, right? Why they want to retain their jobs is irrelevant to the logline. Next, you shouldn't mention character names if they are fiction and nonRead more
I get the humor, but the two (bankrupt city and fast garbage men) don’t really go together. They are competing to be among the fastest to retain their jobs, right? Why they want to retain their jobs is irrelevant to the logline.
Next, you shouldn’t mention character names if they are fiction and non-household names. If you writing story about Einstein, then yes, you’d mention his name. George and Phil, not so much.
Lastly, being fast is one issue, but what’s up with the “smart”? Yes, I get that a more experienced garbage, who knows short-cuts, and routes, and the length of red light signals, etc. might be advantageous, but that is a given and again, shouldn’t be in the logline.
To correct: first start with a time-relative adverbs, like “When”, “As”, “Before”, or “When”. It helps you answer the question.
Next, identify the LOGLINE ELEMENTS?; L (lead), O (obstacle), G(goal), L(what they can lose, or the stakes), I(any irony), N(something “new” or your hook), E(enemy). Once these elements are identified from your story, put them in a comprehensive sentence of thirty words (three lines) or less, and you’ll be off to the races.
Conceptually, I think it’s cool and probably a laugh-a-minute (have thier been stories centered around trash collectors before?)
Geno Scala (sharkeatingman), judge.
See lessWhen a ruthless bank robber finds a gate to a parallel universe, any crime seems possible to escape, until the other self gets to take the blame.
I think it's a great logline and concept. I would change "other self gets". That seems a bit clumsy and confusing, enough to distract from the greatness of that story idea! Geno Scala (sharkeatingman), judge
I think it’s a great logline and concept. I would change “other self gets”. That seems a bit clumsy and confusing, enough to distract from the greatness of that story idea!
Geno Scala (sharkeatingman), judge
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