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An ordinary student finds himself trapped in a room by an advanced extraterrestrial branch. In order to escape he must overcome an endless ordeal of mazes and puzzles that transcend space time
Hi Krassmir! I have a slightly different opinion than Richiev on this one. The concept is pretty interesting and somewhat unique ("The Cube" was similar to the vision that this conjures up for me). "Saw with Aliens" was an interesting mash-up take by Richiev. I don't think "student" is sufficient hoRead more
Hi Krassmir!
I have a slightly different opinion than Richiev on this one. The concept is pretty interesting and somewhat unique (“The Cube” was similar to the vision that this conjures up for me). “Saw with Aliens” was an interesting mash-up take by Richiev.
I don’t think “student” is sufficient however. I believe it is necessary to use great adjectives, especially when you are describing your protag and antags. I would also avoid ho-hum words like “pretty”, “young”, etc. Find a word that better describes their character or arc: compusive, demeaning, snake-bitten, morally-bankrupted.
I agree, though; I think you can find a better way to describe “branch”- alien race, extraterrestrial society…
I would try to keep it in one sentence, if at all possible, and under thirty words. You did well with word economy, and with a few of those changes, should be able to reduce it to one sentence.
Most importantly, the “hook” (the uniqueness of the concept” is there, so that’s a major plus! Good job.
Geno Scala (sharkeatingman), judge
See lessIn order to be with the girl he loves, Jason Blackthorne, a young Goth from the city must win the respect of a country town, overcome the corruption of local law enforcement and earn the trust of the girl?s father; a man he once tried to rob. All whilst being dragged into a search for Ned Kelly's lost stash of gold by an ex-criminal.
There are certain "rules" or guidelines for writing an effective logline here that are not being followed, thus resulting in something less than spectacular. First, you are offering up too much information, some of which is not needed to create a logline. Remember, this is not a synopsis of the entiRead more
There are certain “rules” or guidelines for writing an effective logline here that are not being followed, thus resulting in something less than spectacular.
First, you are offering up too much information, some of which is not needed to create a logline. Remember, this is not a synopsis of the entire story. You only want to highlight the major plotline. To keep it from being too wordy, you should try to limit yourself to 30 words, 25 if possible.
I teach the use of the acronym “LOGLINE” in order for writers to remember what the elements of the logline they should address and try to include IN the logline (yes, in under thrity words, too. If it were easy, everybody would be experts!)
L = Lead. This is your protagonist. Unless they are famous and are a household name, do NOT use their name in the logline. Always use one or two perfectly descriptive adjectives when describing your lead.
O = Obstacles. What is preventin your protag from achieving his goal? Speaking of goals…
G = Goals. What are the protag’s goal/goals?
L = Lose. What does your protag stand to lose if he/she fails to accomplish their goal? Also referred to as “stakes”.
I = Irony. It helps a logline to include irony, as it more clearly defines a conflict. A sheriff of a coastal town who is afraid of water; a heart-broken wedding singer; a garbage collector who is a compulsive clean-freak.
N = New and Unique. This is your “hook”. What is it about YOUR story that is different from all of the others in that genre? You MUST have a hook (most important).
E = Enemy. For every protagonist, there is an ANTAGONIST. Use perfectly descriptive adjectives to define your antag. The enemy MUST BE a specific person. It cannot be “the military” or “the government”. A person was properly represent that entity.
When these elements are defined, you affix them into a sentence, always beginning with a FUTURE TIME CLAUSE like “When”, “As”, “Because”, “After”, etc. and the logline generally writes itself.
The TONE of the logline should indicate GENRE. This is highly important.
Good luck!
Geno Scala (sharkeatingman), judge
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I wouldn't change a thing. Good job... Geno Scala (sharkeatingman)- judge
I wouldn’t change a thing. Good job…
Geno Scala (sharkeatingman)- judge
See less