sharkeatingman – Reviews – Page 22

Posted: September 27, 2012In: Public

An inexperienced lawyer must defend his family and his client from an egotistical journalist's stories that have convinced the World that this client hides a deadly identity, an identity the people are determined to erase.

Added an answer on September 28, 2012 at 12:55 am

Once you identify the elements of an effective logline, you just plug in the parts, keeping it under thirty words (25, if possible). Protag- "inexperienced lawyer"- okay, that'll work. Might also consider alternatives to the adjective "inexperienced", like novice, rookie, callow, naive, ignorant, unRead more

Once you identify the elements of an effective logline, you just plug in the parts, keeping it under thirty words (25, if possible).

Protag- “inexperienced lawyer”- okay, that’ll work. Might also consider alternatives to the adjective “inexperienced”, like novice, rookie, callow, naive, ignorant, unseasoned, green…

Antag- You have “stories” as an antag. Need to word it where the “egotistical journalist” is the antag. Protagonists and antagonists have to be people/animal/things. Cannot be entities, such as “the gov’t”, or “the police”.

Goal- save his client and family. In “A Time To Kill”, the lawyer’s family was is danger, but it was a by-product of him defending the client. Concentrate on the client, unless your story obviously includes the family first-hand.

Stake(s)- unclear. What would happen if he doesn’t win the case, or defend his family? No stakes are mentioned (“determined to erase” is not specific enough. One could erase an identity without being harmed or losing their life).

Obstacle(s)- a powerful newspaper? The stories?

Genre- unclear. Drama? Supernatural thriller? Documentary?

Irony- none, but if this “client” was a barbaric, sadistic world leader, and the people overthrow him and want to kill him themselves, there’s a little irony there. Irony is not required, but tends to help define the story more clearly and show immediate conflict (a sheriff, afraid of water, has to protect an coastal town from a rogue shark by fighting him at sea!)

Hook- this is the biggie. You have to determine WHAT element in your story is different from all the other similar story plotlines of the same genre. If a priest is trying to exorcise a demon from a person, changing the person from a 12- yr. old girl to a 17 yr. old boy, isn’t enough to create a new “hook”. Once you identify this “hook”, make sure it is highlighted in the logline.

Hope this helps some!

Geno Scala (sharkeatingman)- judge

See less

0

Share
Share

Posted: September 25, 2012In: Public

When an undertaker?s lover dies, he decides to end his own existence, but makes the surprising discovery that he is apparently immortal.

sharkeatingman

Added an answer on September 27, 2012 at 3:49 am

Filmstar, I'm not sure I get your point. Surely you see the irony in a person who works with the dead, wanting to kill himself, but discovering that he can't- because he is immortal. But, more importantly, this is a site about loglines, and efforts to correct or recommend corrections to some of themRead more

Filmstar, I’m not sure I get your point. Surely you see the irony in a person who works with the dead, wanting to kill himself, but discovering that he can’t- because he is immortal.

But, more importantly, this is a site about loglines, and efforts to correct or recommend corrections to some of them. Cutting and pasting a wiki definition- with ALL of its examples- doesn’t seem to be helping on this particular logline. That discussion is best left for another forum. IMO.

For the record, irony is generally considered a positive trait to include in a logline. It provides the essence of conflict, like someone who cuts and pastes an entire definition of a word, and then says he doesn’t understand it because he can’t define it.

To me, that’s ironic.

See less