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Bella from the Planet Kabbalore is caught up in a civil war on the planet Delta 5. After a request from Delta 5's Governor Zelack, the President of the New Commonwealthsends a rescue party, consisting of NSPA Agents and Commonwealth Search and Rescue teams. Their ship is attacked and the party crash lands and are left for dead on a planet which is occupied by intelligent undead and enemy soldiers
This needs an "extreme logline make-over", so you can start by deleting everything up until "Their ship..." This is where your story starts. Identify your protag; I assume it's Bella. Who is she? What is the protag's goal? Getting out of a civil war? She has to have more of a goal... The obstacles?Read more
This needs an “extreme logline make-over”, so you can start by deleting everything up until “Their ship…” This is where your story starts.
Identify your protag; I assume it’s Bella. Who is she?
What is the protag’s goal? Getting out of a civil war? She has to have more of a goal…
The obstacles? Zombies
The stakes? Losing her life, and failing in her other goal, as yet unknown.
“After narrowly escaping one warring planet, in possession of a stolen nuclear bomb, a headstrong Delta 5 agent crashes on an neighboring planet, overrun by enemy forces needing weapons, and zombies, in need of brains!”
See lessAn emotionally stunted musician hits the road with an aspiring producer in order to track down the woman who has been the subject of all his work since she broke his heart in high school.
Geno Scala (sharkeatingman)- judge
Geno Scala (sharkeatingman)- judge
See lessAn emotionally stunted musician hits the road with an aspiring producer in order to track down the woman who has been the subject of all his work since she broke his heart in high school.
I think it's a great, simple concept and almost a great logline. The back-end is a bit wordy: "...to track down the inspiration of his songs: his former high school sweatheart." Immediately, songs like "Taxi" and "Lucy in The Sky with Diamonds" comes to mind, as both songs were the result of this veRead more
I think it’s a great, simple concept and almost a great logline. The back-end is a bit wordy:
“…to track down the inspiration of his songs: his former high school sweatheart.”
Immediately, songs like “Taxi” and “Lucy in The Sky with Diamonds” comes to mind, as both songs were the result of this very premise. I think the title is bad, though, and would strongly encourage you to consider something like “Lucy in The Sky”, or a title of one of his original songs.
I’d pay to see this story! Good job.
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