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A grieving London gangster recruits the tough new boyfriend of his suicidal daughter to help him hunt the killer of his son. But when he discovers her boyfriend is the son of one of his victims come for revenge, he must risk his daughter's life to take him down.
One of the glaring issues I see is identifying the characters- protag's and antag's. You have a protag whom you identify as "gangster" and "vigilante", and an antag whom YOU identify as "the son of a VICTIM". Your executor is your hero, and we have to empathize with him. He should be identified in aRead more
One of the glaring issues I see is identifying the characters- protag’s and antag’s. You have a protag whom you identify as “gangster” and “vigilante”, and an antag whom YOU identify as “the son of a VICTIM”.
Your executor is your hero, and we have to empathize with him. He should be identified in a sympathetic way so we can root for him. Conversely, the antag will have to be someone we root against; “cop gone bad”, “closet child molester”, etc.
Also, try to be more specific in your definitions of the elements: stakes shouldn’t be “everything”, but he could lose his freedom, his family, and possibly his life. But, that’s only if he continues with his execution plans, right? What if he doesn’t? What if he just stopped killing people, then he wouldn’t be in trouble, right? There has to be an outside conflict, I think; one that says “If I don’t continue to kill these guys, (THIS) will happen to me”
Gang member, gang leaders, vigilantes, etc. = not exactly sympathetic ccharacters.
I think these are the main issues going forward.
Regarding deleting previous post: you may want to contact the site manager and ask him to delete the ones you don’t want out there. Very confusing. Must be 10- 15 different post on variations of this logline.
See lessA grieving London gangster recruits the tough new boyfriend of his suicidal daughter to help him hunt the killer of his son. But when he discovers her boyfriend is the son of one of his victims come for revenge, he must risk his daughter's life to take him down.
It seems to me that this story's logline is bordering on some sort of obsession. It would behoove you to delete all of the other "generations" of this logline, and stay with one to work on. It might only be me, but they seem to be getting progressively worse. Here's a suggestion: Take the story "TheRead more
It seems to me that this story’s logline is bordering on some sort of obsession. It would behoove you to delete all of the other “generations” of this logline, and stay with one to work on. It might only be me, but they seem to be getting progressively worse.
Here’s a suggestion: Take the story “The Executor” and list the following: protagonist, antagonist, the protag’s goal(s), his obstacles, the stakes (should he fail), your “hook” (the one point that separates this story from the hundreds just like it), any irony and the genre.
Then post those on THIS thread (after deleting all of the others, if you can), and we’ll be able to help you much more effectively. This is obviously important to you and we want to help.
Geno Scala (sharkeatingman)- judge
See lessAs a cursed detective struggles to contain the wolf within, he suspects he is being framed for murder. With the true killer desperate to expose the existence of werewolves, the detective must accept the beast within… or be lost to the wolf forever.
I don't mean to come off as judgmental or condescending, but besides writing scripts for a living, I also operate The Script Mentor (www.thescriptmentor.com), specifically to help newer writers from making expensive mistakes (I apologize for making huge leaps and assumptions here). Since I do not knRead more
I don’t mean to come off as judgmental or condescending, but besides writing scripts for a living, I also operate The Script Mentor (www.thescriptmentor.com), specifically to help newer writers from making expensive mistakes (I apologize for making huge leaps and assumptions here). Since I do not know you, I am apologizing up front. When I hear “I’m going to L.A. next month to try to get representation”, I become very concerned, and if you are open to some thoughts and suggestions on that front (a “checklist” if you will), you may contact me. It is how we prepare our mentees for any such plans.
Now, about the logline: You had to write a lot of words to make a clearer picture, and I still have questions. The logline doesn’t necessarily have to tell ALL of the story, with every nuance and twist, but we should have a GOOD IDEA of the story just from reading it, and have our imagination fill in the holes.
The good news is I sort of figured out the general plot from your original logline, which supports my opinion of it being “a good start”. The problem, I think, does lie in the plausibility of the plot. I’m not understanding why his mentor- the actual killer- who’s goal is to expose the true existence of werewolves, not just expose the detective for being a werewolf? Or are you saying that the killer is making it seem like there’s a werewolf, but doesn’t really believe in them?
Lastly, your protag is in conflict: to either spend his life in prison (or be executed) or choose to expose himself as a werewolf, and somehow try to convince people he’s NOT the killer? Seems to me, if he exposed his wolfness, it would only go to stregthen the case against him.
Plausibility is a huge issue in many stories, so don’t feel as though I’m picking on you. I’m not. With this confused (at least on my part) plot issue, the logline can’t be any better than it is, IMO, and yours will be as good as anything I could possibly suggest. I’m all about helping, but sometimes even I get tapped out on ideas that doesn’t include major changes.
Geno Scala (sharkeatingman)- judge
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