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As a cursed detective struggles to contain the wolf within, he suspects he is being framed for murder. With the true killer desperate to expose the existence of werewolves, the detective must accept the beast within… or be lost to the wolf forever.
Hi, Chas! Actually the feedback was my direct response TO the logline, and since the logline is supposed to reflect the story, any weaknesses (and strengths) of a concept and/or story is almost ALWAYS reflected through the logline. If you've handled the problems that I pointed out, then whatever chaRead more
Hi, Chas!
Actually the feedback was my direct response TO the logline, and since the logline is supposed to reflect the story, any weaknesses (and strengths) of a concept and/or story is almost ALWAYS reflected through the logline.
If you’ve handled the problems that I pointed out, then whatever changes you made to correct those issues need to be addresses in the logline. Sounds to me like you may have fixed one, but not the other.
I’m not entirely sure you can translate what I said in my earlier post to mean that “while my script is good”. Clearly, if you are missing the “hook” in the logline, there’s a pretty good chance it is also absent in the story. If you have one in the story, then just highlight it in the new logline. Easy peasy.
But…
…since you indicated that the script written “attracted a producer”, I’m sure even having a logline is immaterial at this point- unless, of course, the producer doesn’t buy it or option it from you. I hope he does.
It appears that I’ve done all I can, and anything I can add will only muck up what you’ve accomplished thus far. Sounds like you have it under control.
Good luck going forward!
See lessIn a story where no one is who they seem to be, a young security guard addicted to cocaine finds himself in the midst of a deadly shooting perpetrated by one of his co-workers.
That's better, but wordy. What's a better way to say "a security guard who deals coke"? Coke-dealing guard? Drug-pushing rent-a-cop? I like the last part, too. I think it works well, actually. It's intriguing and compelling. If it came across my desk, I'd want to at least check out the writing. If tRead more
That’s better, but wordy. What’s a better way to say “a security guard who deals coke”? Coke-dealing guard? Drug-pushing rent-a-cop?
I like the last part, too. I think it works well, actually. It’s intriguing and compelling. If it came across my desk, I’d want to at least check out the writing. If that was bearable, I’d probably read it until I was bored or through to the end. Good job!
Geno Scala (sharkeatingman)- judge
See lessIn a story where no one is who they seem to be, a young security guard addicted to cocaine finds himself in the midst of a deadly shooting perpetrated by one of his co-workers.
I'm digging the story, but I would suggest starting the logline with "When", "As", or "After", then going from there. You'll eliminate the wasted space taken up by the first eleven words. Obviously, "no one is who they seem to be" is the "hook" of your story, but you should really try to come up witRead more
I’m digging the story, but I would suggest starting the logline with “When”, “As”, or “After”, then going from there. You’ll eliminate the wasted space taken up by the first eleven words. Obviously, “no one is who they seem to be” is the “hook” of your story, but you should really try to come up with a better (shorter) way of putting it in the logline.
Otherwise, it’s pretty strong.
“When a coke-sniffing guard gets trapped in a shooting perpetrated by his partner, he discovers (blank- obstacle), and that (Blank- stake/results)”
So if your story was that he discovers that all of his co-workers are undercover cops/feds, and that he was used as a “pawn” in a big undercover sting, it might read as:
“When a coke-sniffing guard is trapped in a shooting, he discovers that he is an unlikeliest of pawns in a money-lending store-front created by the CIA.”
I purposely used money-lending store, like a pawnshop, to be ironic to him being used as a “pawn”, but did not want to repeat the same word in a logline. Plus, it’s only 28 words, and you other goal should be 30 or under.
Hope this helps!
Geno Scala (sharkeatingman)- judge
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