I think I see where you’re going with this, and it’s a comedic concept. The advent of Starbucks and all of the coffee products, and companies that offer you free coffee when you arrive for a meeting (why not a diet Mtn Dew, I wonder? That’s MY drink of choice!), I find this to be a wonderful idea for a short (can’t see a 90-minute version of it).

That being said, the loglines has many issues.

Never tell us the genre. This should be implied by the other elements of the logline. If it’s a comedy, better be a funny or ironic logline.

Don’t tell us the scenes, tell us the message. You must sell the sizzle, not the steak. The scenes you describe are funny, but this is not the purpose of a logline.

Start with a word like “As”, “When”, or “After”. This forces you to “answer” the question in the logline. “After this happens, a guy does this, and it results in this”.

You also want to try to accomplish this is less than thirty words; 25, if possible.

So, using my own elements of your story and plugging in holes with my own, it might read like this:

“After discovering the taste of coffee, a (descriptive adjective here) “listless” teen tries desperately to feed his new addiction, while dividing his time with his new job, dysfunctional family, and his stripper girlfriend.”

Lastly, I’d work on the title and have it relate more specifcally to the coffee element. I get that people need their morning “fix” with coffee; “Joltin’ Joe”, “The Starbucker”, “Mud Slide”, etc…

Just my opinion!

Geno Scala (sharkeatingman)- judge