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Accidentally trapped in a painting by the use of future technology, four disparate teens must band together to decode mysteries and outwit thieves to find the path home.
The concept is intriguing and original, so that's a plus. Paul is right on about mentioning the technology. "Disparate" seems to be colorless, too scientific. The fact that they are essentially "different" is somewhat assumed, and the element of their difference cannot possibly be what's driving theRead more
The concept is intriguing and original, so that’s a plus. Paul is right on about mentioning the technology. “Disparate” seems to be colorless, too scientific. The fact that they are essentially “different” is somewhat assumed, and the element of their difference cannot possibly be what’s driving the story (unless they were four rival gangs taking up war in another dimension). “Finding their path home” seems to be redundant. Their has to be an even greater goal, IMO. I would also try to use as many painting analogies as possible.
“After being transported into a priceless painting, rival teens must work from the same palette to decode mysteries and outwit a gang of desperate thieves- inside and outside the frame.”
See lessWhen a meek electrical engineer is recruited for an audacious heist, he must gain the trust of the gorgeous sociopath head of security, to exact revenge on the corporation that stole his ideas and his spirit.
Sounds a bit like "Tower Heist". Your protag's submissiveness is probably not the big character arc in the story, so I wouldn't highlight that trait. I would think the "vengeful" factor might be more intriguing and exciting. Written this way, it sound as if the main plot of the story is the gainingRead more
Sounds a bit like “Tower Heist”. Your protag’s submissiveness is probably not the big character arc in the story, so I wouldn’t highlight that trait. I would think the “vengeful” factor might be more intriguing and exciting. Written this way, it sound as if the main plot of the story is the gaining of the trust, instead of the heist or revenge element(s).
Just my impression…
See lessUnable to pay his comatose wife?s hospital bills, a brilliant psychiatrist is forced to take on an unusual patient: an organic supercomputer running mining operations on an asteroid. Will he be able to repair the computer before it crashes the asteroid into the earth?
Cool concept, but stop for a moment: does the pyschiatrist "take on" the new patient, motivated by the inability to pay his bills, or perhaps because the world is about to be destroyed? To me, it sounds similar to saying "I'm going to dismantle the bomb placed here in the lobby of my work place simpRead more
Cool concept, but stop for a moment: does the pyschiatrist “take on” the new patient, motivated by the inability to pay his bills, or perhaps because the world is about to be destroyed? To me, it sounds similar to saying “I’m going to dismantle the bomb placed here in the lobby of my work place simply because it doesn’t go with the decor!”
If he has the ability to help out in this situation, one would assume he would regardless of his financial situation. My advice: remove that motivator, or change it. The concept is great, and the logliine otherwise is excellent.
“Despondent over his dying wife, a suicidal psychiatrist reluctantly helps a new patient- a supercomputer on an earth-bound meteor- and must choose between the end of “his world” or the end of THE world!”
The motivation is legitimatized- he doesn’t know if he can go on without here. Now, interject the conflict: if he doesn’t, it’s the end of the world. If he does, it’ll probably result in his wife’s death. It’s the old “Sophie’s Choice” syndrome.
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