1. Posted: September 17, 2015In:

    a terminally ill man sets out to take revenge on people from his past. But to his frustration they are dying before he can get to them.

    steveylang Samurai

    I have to say, the premise made me chuckle. But the log line is mostly all setup, or at least the first 30 minutes. He's dying, he decides to get revenge, but his targets?are dying first. Then what?

    I have to say, the premise made me chuckle. But the log line is mostly all setup, or at least the first 30 minutes. He’s dying, he decides to get revenge, but his targets?are dying first. Then what?

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  2. Posted: September 24, 2015In:

    When an astronaut learns that his fianc?e is sent on a space trip at near-lightspeed, he must find her before their age difference prevents them from ever having a family together.

    Best Answer
    steveylang Samurai

    This is interesting, in a "I want to know more" way. Is the fiancee an astronaut too? Why is the fiancee being sent into space? What is the astronaut doing in the meantime, is he also in space, etc. Does his hunt take place on earth or in space? Is there an antagonist? I think some of these things nRead more

    This is interesting, in a “I want to know more” way. Is the fiancee an astronaut too? Why is the fiancee being sent into space? What is the astronaut doing in the meantime, is he also in space, etc. Does his hunt take place on earth or in space? Is there an antagonist?

    I think some of these things need to be in the log line.

    On a side note, this would be a great way for a romantic rival to “get rid” of the astronaut- by going on the trip with the fiancee so they will stay the same age, while the astronaut would become old.

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  3. Posted: September 25, 2015In:

    After a werewolf saughters the family of a pregnant newlywed and she loses her child, she becomes a cold-hearted hunter and uncovers it’s her best friend.

    Best Answer
    steveylang Samurai

    This has all the basic elements, just needs to be grammatically better.cleaner. Something along the lines of-"After a werewolf violently takes the lives of her family and unborn child, a young newlywed turns into a cold-hearted hunter, only to discover the werewolf is her best friend."I feel there cRead more

    This has all the basic elements, just needs to be grammatically better.cleaner. Something along the lines of-

    “After a werewolf violently takes the lives of her family and unborn child, a young newlywed turns into a cold-hearted hunter, only to discover the werewolf is her best friend.”

    I feel there could be a little more added to describe the main storyline though. She turns into or becomes a cold-hearted hunter which is important, but that doesn’t really describe what she is actually DOING for most of the movie. So for example,

    “Hardened by a brutal werewolf attack that takes the lives of her family and unborn child, a young newlywed… [WHAT SHE DOES], only to discover the werewolf is her best friend.”

    The last phrase about her best friend is actually optional, but if it happens say midway through the story then it’s better to include it. If it’s a final act twist, then it’s probably better to leave it out.

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