1. Posted: March 18, 2013In:

    Two brothers, one an ex-con and the other a divorced father of two kids, face the foreclosure of their family?s West Texas farm. They team for a skillfully-calculated bank robbing spree that puts them on a collision course with two Texas Rangers determined to take them down.

    SydneyPaul

    A few thoughts on your idea: a) an 'ex-con' seems pretty stereotypical and unsurprising that they would rob a bank. It may work better with a less obvious teaming "a divorced father of two and his Buddhist sister....."? b) Why a bank-robbing spree? To stop the foreclosure only one robbery would be nRead more

    A few thoughts on your idea:
    a) an ‘ex-con’ seems pretty stereotypical and unsurprising that they would rob a bank. It may work better with a less obvious teaming “a divorced father of two and his Buddhist sister…..”?
    b) Why a bank-robbing spree? To stop the foreclosure only one robbery would be necessary. A spree my make sense if the motivation is revenge against the bank’s greed?
    c) It could also be shortened.

    So an idea that may provide some use…
    “When a divorced father of two and his Buddhist sister face foreclosure on their family?s West Texas farm, they plan a breathtaking robbery that puts them on a collision course with two Texas Rangers.”

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  2. Posted: March 16, 2013In:

    With armageddon approaching, a museum security guard with a background in psychology must destroy the Egyptian god of chaos, who is disguising himself as various museum employees while committing a grisly string of murders.

    SydneyPaul

    Hi there - personally, I actually preferred some of the earlier attempts of this logline, where the focus was on the mysterious murders/deaths, the artifact, and the security guards role in trying to solve the mystery and save himself. When the logline opens "With armageddon approaching..." it losesRead more

    Hi there – personally, I actually preferred some of the earlier attempts of this logline, where the focus was on the mysterious murders/deaths, the artifact, and the security guards role in trying to solve the mystery and save himself.

    When the logline opens “With armageddon approaching…” it loses me. It either means (a) armageddon is coming regardless, in which case the rest of the logline is pretty inconsequential; or (b) something in the story is *potentially bringing* armageddon – this seems a better option, but then that needs to be indicated, rather than starting with ‘armageddon is coming’.

    It also feels to me you have too many elements,a nd its not clear what the focus is. We have (a) armageddon (b) security guard (c) psychology background (d) egyptian god of chaos (e) disguising as museum employees (f) murders…..and this is *without* any mention of the key item in the title – the artifact!

    Here is a suggestion from the above, but still seems too busy…
    “When a museum security guard uncovers the link between an ancient artifact and a string of murders, his investigations lead him to the Egyptian god of chaos and a battle where the future of the world is at stake.”

    Not sure that has hit the spot, but good luck!

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  3. Posted: March 16, 2013In:

    When a biochemical corporation manufactures implants that help millions live longer, they go from pariah to savior. But a longstanding critic remains unconvinced, and must battle the corporation and its backers to uncover the shocking secret behind the technology.

    SydneyPaul

    Thanks all, as usual the feedback has greatly helped to clarify my thinking. I agree that the weakness of the original logline was not coming to the key conflict/story until the second sentence - the first sentence really gave backstory. So agree with a reworking along the lines Tor set out. Here'sRead more

    Thanks all, as usual the feedback has greatly helped to clarify my thinking. I agree that the weakness of the original logline was not coming to the key conflict/story until the second sentence – the first sentence really gave backstory. So agree with a reworking along the lines Tor set out. Here’s an attempt, let me know any further thoughts, thanks:

    “An outsider scientist uncovers a shocking secret behind a biochemical implant that helps millions live longer and now must expose his findings before the corporation silences him.?

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