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Following the arrival of an ancient Egyptian artifact, museum employees begin to get murdered one by one. Now, a security guard who is dissatisfied with her job must solve the murders and catch the killer before she becomes the next victim.
Interesting premise, paints a good picture. However you could tighten up the logline, and I'd also suggest leaving it more open as to who or what is responsible for the killing, given the mystery of the artifact (ie, is it someone who wants the artifact, or is the artifact itself somehow responsibleRead more
Interesting premise, paints a good picture. However you could tighten up the logline, and I’d also suggest leaving it more open as to who or what is responsible for the killing, given the mystery of the artifact (ie, is it someone who wants the artifact, or is the artifact itself somehow responsible??).
Here is a tighter version that may provide some ideas:
“When a museum acquires a mysterious Egyptian artifact and staff begin turning up dead, a disgruntled security guard must unravel the source of killings before she becomes the next victim.”
Hope that’s useful, cheers
See lessIn a near future where nothing is safe from corporate logos, a burnt out advertising worker rebels when his company markets his new born child.
Wow. That is actually a little spooky. I had absolutely no idea that film existed, yet there is certainly quite the similarities (though not the question of a child). But the same name! Wow....guess I'll have to rejig this one.... I did have an alternative name: "A word from our sponsors" but foundRead more
Wow. That is actually a little spooky. I had absolutely no idea that film existed, yet there is certainly quite the similarities (though not the question of a child). But the same name! Wow….guess I’ll have to rejig this one….
I did have an alternative name: “A word from our sponsors” but found “Branded” a bit more punchy.
Oh well, back to the writing board….
See lessIn a near future where nothing is safe from corporate logos, a burnt out advertising worker rebels when his company markets his new born child.
You are right Karel and Kriss, thanks. While I started writing more on the nature of the rebellion, I scrapped it in favour of brevity. I'm learning that it's a fine balancing act between short and punchy, yet having enough to paint a picture and give the elements clearly. So below I've tried to (a)Read more
You are right Karel and Kriss, thanks. While I started writing more on the nature of the rebellion, I scrapped it in favour of brevity. I’m learning that it’s a fine balancing act between short and punchy, yet having enough to paint a picture and give the elements clearly.
So below I’ve tried to (a) make clearer the antagonist (b) added the childs gender and put a timelimit on the situation (c) get to the conflict quicker….
How about this:
“When an evil corporation evokes a hidden clause in an advertising worker’s contract, he must fight to save his soon-to-be-born daughter from becoming the marketing property of the company – a frightening situation that his own work made possible.”
Further thoughts appreciated – thanks
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