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When a mysterious organization starts hunting down a self-loathing shapeshifter who doesn't like using his powers, he and his reluctant girlfriend – the only one that knows his secret – are forced to either take them head-on or die trying.
I don't see how writing in the passive voice helps you. Your main characters also act passively ("don't like using powers" and are "reluctant" until "forced"). So, with that said, the protagonist is really the mysterious organization. It's doing things. It's moving the story forward. It's forcing otRead more
I don’t see how writing in the passive voice helps you. Your main characters also act passively (“don’t like using powers” and are “reluctant” until “forced”).
So, with that said, the protagonist is really the mysterious organization. It’s doing things. It’s moving the story forward. It’s forcing other characters to react. I’m rooting for the organization.
Both the shapeshifter and girlfriend are reluctant cohorts. I don’t see her role as adding anything to the story, you might consider defining her part a little stronger or cutting her out.
The dichotomy at the end doesn’t work for me either. It’s not really a choice because they aren’t exclusive. Isn’t “die trying” a (possible) conclusion to “taking them head-on?” A choice would be more like, “keep running or fight.”
See lessWhen six conniving high school teachers, who are best friends, go on their annual lakehouse bender, things begin to spin out of control when two inept goons show up inquiring about a missing briefcase.
This is very complex. Your asking the reader to juggle four clauses (with three different subjects) and three adverbal phrases. I'd toss out at least a third of your details. Sure it's all good stuff, but it's a lot to take in. Maybe edit the whole thing down to 1 or 2 important clauses and 1 adverbRead more
This is very complex. Your asking the reader to juggle four clauses (with three different subjects) and three adverbal phrases. I’d toss out at least a third of your details. Sure it’s all good stuff, but it’s a lot to take in. Maybe edit the whole thing down to 1 or 2 important clauses and 1 adverbal phrase?
See lessAfter a reformed ex-gang member's sister is raped and left for dead, he struggles to walk the straight and narrow as his stepmother blames him.
I like the ideas. My only suggestion would be to make it more surprising. Recidivism and revenge was exactly what I expected when I read the set-up. Recidivism is a well-known issue in our prison system, and an ex-con bent on revenge is tired. Why care should I care your story, when I can read it onRead more
I like the ideas. My only suggestion would be to make it more surprising. Recidivism and revenge was exactly what I expected when I read the set-up. Recidivism is a well-known issue in our prison system, and an ex-con bent on revenge is tired. Why care should I care your story, when I can read it on the cnn website?
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