1. Posted: September 10, 2013In:

    To get the girl of his dreams a timid momma?s boy must team up with the local cat burglar, but her unorthodox methods put more than his love life at risk.

    Tony Edward Samurai

    Hi Paul, I remember this one as well -- I think Richiev's latest offering nails your story, very succinctly -- the cyrano de bergerac reference is gold. Interestingly, it's not dissimilar to your original June 13 logline... To me, the issue is that at the moment he has to do something for her, namelRead more

    Hi Paul,

    I remember this one as well — I think Richiev’s latest offering nails your story, very succinctly — the cyrano de bergerac reference is gold. Interestingly, it’s not dissimilar to your original June 13 logline…

    To me, the issue is that at the moment he has to do something for her, namely, ‘stay silent’ — all in order to ‘get the girl’. I just can’t see 100-110 minutes of screen time dealing with this… Put this up against him, a mama’s boy (weak), HAVING to do something for HER (a cool/ sassy cat burglar — for some reason I’m seeing a Grace Kelly type ;)) say, some big job…well… I know which one I’d be more likely to pay to see.

    Maybe it comes down to what kind of film this is — more rom-com or more crime/ heist. At the moment the logline treats the ‘rom-com’ as the ‘A’ story (getting the girl) while a crime plot line (anything to do with a cat burglar) is the ‘B’ story — it just doesn’t feel right — just imo… for me, a better fit is the ‘get the girl’ story (whether that be some love interest he’s after at the start, or the cat burglar) being the ‘B’ story (and not really worth either mentioning or emphasizing in the logline) with the cat burglar’s story (and mama’s boy’s involvement…) acting as the ‘A’ story — what the logline should be focused on.

    Anyway — best of luck nailing it — not many cat burglar stories out there at the minute — could be onto a winner if handled right. Best of luck.

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  2. Posted: September 11, 2013In:

    Hot Flush is a four-part comedy-thriller about four recently-retired, over-60 women suddenly plunged into financial dire straits, due to cheating husbands and bankrupt pension companies, who ? faced with no alternative – turn to a life of crime

    Tony Edward Samurai

    I wouldn't have much else to suggest from whgat's already been said -- but -- you should not actually state the genre in the logline -- the genre should be implicit through the contents of the logline itself without having to come right out and say it... Also, I'm confused by 'four-part'..? Does thiRead more

    I wouldn’t have much else to suggest from whgat’s already been said — but — you should not actually state the genre in the logline — the genre should be implicit through the contents of the logline itself without having to come right out and say it… Also, I’m confused by ‘four-part’..? Does this mean Four Acts? Or like, a mini series?

    Best of luck though,.. a tight and potentially entertaining premise.

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  3. Posted: September 12, 2013In:

    After reuniting with and marrying his childhood friend, an aspiring writer tries to build a normal life in the wake of getting dragged into the murder of an arsonist that killed his wife's father when they were kids, only to find that there is no "normal."

    Tony Edward Samurai

    Apart from what's been stated above -- '...getting dragged into' is vague. What does this actually mean? To me this 'dragged into' needs to be specifically spelled out. Why is he dragged into the murder of the arsonist? Is he a suspect? Is his wife? What happens to this guy (inciting incident) thatRead more

    Apart from what’s been stated above —

    ‘…getting dragged into’ is vague. What does this actually mean? To me this ‘dragged into’ needs to be specifically spelled out. Why is he dragged into the murder of the arsonist? Is he a suspect? Is his wife?

    What happens to this guy (inciting incident) that causes him to HAVE to do something (required action to achieve required/ desired goal)? And what is at stake if he doesn’t achieve said goal? In my mind, the most important part of this question is — What does he have to do? At the moment there is no hint of this. A logline should either spell this out directly, or at least strongly imply it.

    If it’s a case of the ‘dragged into’ meaning that he is dragged into the investigation of the murder of the arsonist, than I’d be thinking that he either HAS to prove his/ his wife’s innocence..? But that’s just a complete stab in the dark… Below is just my shot based on this loose assumption:

    ‘When his new wife becomes the main suspect in the murder of her Father’s killer, a struggling writer will do anything to prove her innocent to keep his newly found blissful life.”

    A bit wordy — probably not your story — but hope it helps… (…and does he have to be a Writer?)

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