1. Posted: December 20, 2012In:

    An overwhelmed single-father, hesitantly adopts the 10-year-old daughter of a former love who is about to die, only to learn the young girl is actually his.

    TX

    I'm still not clear about his description as a single father and why it should be used to describe the man if this status is from another relationship not related to the plot here. If his status is related to the present plot, then he cannot be said to be a single father, since he didn't even know tRead more

    I’m still not clear about his description as a single father and why it should be used to describe the man if this status is from another relationship not related to the plot here. If his status is related to the present plot, then he cannot be said to be a single father, since he didn’t even know the child is his until is discovery. I stand to be corrected though, ‘cos i still have a lot to learn.

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  2. Posted: December 20, 2012In:

    With a touch, Lissa can see one's true love, just never her own. When Skeptic Magazine sends their top reporter to interview her, will she dare to fall in love again?

    TX

    I can perceive that Lisa is somehow gifted where other people's love life is concerned but what i don't understand is why she is not able to see her own. Is it her fault?, a deliberate action or just circumstances. You need to describe Lisa more. Then you need to clarify the prospective relationshipRead more

    I can perceive that Lisa is somehow gifted where other people’s love life is concerned but what i don’t understand is why she is not able to see her own. Is it her fault?, a deliberate action or just circumstances. You need to describe Lisa more. Then you need to clarify the prospective relationship between her and the upcoming reporter – here you didn’t indicate if she was attracted to him, if the reporter is a dashing young man, attractive, kind or someone with a prospect for romance. The word “fall in love again” could have indicated that she has had a series failed relationships, probably heartbreaks, so this could be included in her description in the first sentence, something like: After a series of heartbreaking relationships, Lisa , a talented woman??. Or Lisa a heartbroken, gifted woman could see one’s true love?.. Or something like that. I quite understand the concept, you just need to improve on the arrangement.

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  3. Posted: December 20, 2012In:

    A successful golf instructor reconnects with his appetite and love of the game, when he agrees to share his round with a younger raw sportswoman.

    TX

    This sounds like there's going to be a competition here (just a guess) but i can't understand what the golf instructor stands to achieve, his motivation. You have described him as successful, you didn't say he was getting rusty, bored, so what made him lose his appetite in the first place. Then he sRead more

    This sounds like there’s going to be a competition here (just a guess) but i can’t understand what the golf instructor stands to achieve, his motivation. You have described him as successful, you didn’t say he was getting rusty, bored, so what made him lose his appetite in the first place. Then he shares his round with a younger sportswoman – sounds like ACT I, what happens after that or what is likely to happen next?. You should make it more catchy to a potential reader. Right now you haven’t given enough description to stimulate interest.

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