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When a Commander of the largest military force in the universe, telepathically thwarts an assassination attempt by an obstinately powerful female warrior. He tricks her into facing and ultimately destroying her evil mirror double. A double that’s the source of her own power.
Who is the main character, the commander or the warrior? The warrior seems to be a puppet of the commander. The commander appears to be driving the story, but we don't know why he wants the two warriors to fight.? Also, his possessing the largest military force in the universe seems irrelevant to thRead more
Who is the main character, the commander or the warrior? The warrior seems to be a puppet of the commander. The commander appears to be driving the story, but we don’t know why he wants the two warriors to fight.? Also, his possessing the largest military force in the universe seems irrelevant to the story, so why mention it?
See lessWhen Josh receives a mysterious phone call from the hospital by his estranged son, he must decide whether to sign a medical agreement that will alter his child?s life forever.
In addition to what Scott said, I would add that "deciding" is almost never a compelling story element in itself (apart from films like "12 Angry Men" where the decision is the story). Normally, the story is what happens after the decision has been made - especially if we (the audience) feel it wasRead more
In addition to what Scott said, I would add that “deciding” is almost never a compelling story element in itself (apart from films like “12 Angry Men” where the decision is the story). Normally, the story is what happens after the decision has been made – especially if we (the audience) feel it was the wrong decision. Try writing the long line from the POV of what happens after the decision is made.
On another note, by using the word “child” to describe the son you imply the son is a minor. Then, by saying the father is estranged from the child, you imply someone else, probably the mother, has custody over the child. If that is the case, then the father cannot legally sign off on any medical procedure. Likewise, if the child is no longer a minor, the father also has no right to approve of anything.
See lessA wholesome young woman gets her dream job at a cutthroat real estate agency but must compete with its high-powered male agents during a housing slump.
In addition to lacking stakes as Richiev points out, there is a problem with adjectives. You describe the woman as "wholesome" and the real estate agency as "cutthroat". If the agency has a reputation for being a cutthroat, why would working there be a "dream job" for a wholesome woman? I think theRead more
In addition to lacking stakes as Richiev points out, there is a problem with adjectives.
You describe the woman as “wholesome” and the real estate agency as “cutthroat”. If the agency has a reputation for being a cutthroat, why would working there be a “dream job” for a wholesome woman? I think the situation you want is one in which a wholesome woman takes her dream job at a prestigious real estate agency, only to find out that the other agents are cutthroats. Even then, you still have the problem of what is at stake for the woman.
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