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  1. Posted: August 7, 2019In: SciFi

    A detail obsessed game designer must finish his latest virtual reality game or risk losing his job, but as his game becomes more realistic he starts to lose his grip on reality.

    yqwertz Mentor
    Added an answer on August 7, 2019 at 8:11 pm

    To expand upon what mikepedley85 said, high-end computer games have production budgets that rival action films. In a corporate environment, your developer would be working as part of a team of several dozens. If he is involved on the CGI end, he might be responsible for one figure or one scene. It iRead more

    To expand upon what mikepedley85 said, high-end computer games have production budgets that rival action films. In a corporate environment, your developer would be working as part of a team of several dozens. If he is involved on the CGI end, he might be responsible for one figure or one scene. It is hard to see how that level of focus would make him lose his grip on reality.

    It might be more believable if you make the MC a tester, not a developer. In-house testers play the games over and over, giving feedback to the developers. A detail obsessed tester might insist on skipping the automated tests and do all testing himself, thus leading to him losing his grip on reality.

    Also, I think we need a hint as to where the journey is headed. What happens if he loses his grip on reality? The usual treatment is a? short stay in a clinic for game addicts, but you will need a stronger story line to interest viewers.

     

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  2. Posted: August 4, 2019In: Action

    When a rookie martial artist’s first covert target is to eliminate innocent children, she refuses to complete the mission and must fight the deadly forces tracking them down and find the truth of their identities.

    Best Answer
    yqwertz Mentor
    Added an answer on August 5, 2019 at 5:37 pm

    "Rookie martial artist" generally refers to someone who is just learning a martial art. Why would such a person be sent out on a covert mission, or any mission? I suppose you mean to say something like, "When a ninja's first mission...", where ninja (or whatever term you want to use) refers to someoRead more

    “Rookie martial artist” generally refers to someone who is just learning a martial art. Why would such a person be sent out on a covert mission, or any mission? I suppose you mean to say something like, “When a ninja’s first mission…”, where ninja (or whatever term you want to use) refers to someone who has completed their training.

    The inciting incident lacks motivation. Why does anyone want to kill innocent children? Jason Bourne could not bring himself to kill an innocent child, but the child was not his primary target. What is special about these children that they must be killed?

    The final goal stops short of victory. Your ninja wants to learn the identities of her clients? NO. Your ninja wants to kill the amoral bastards.

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  3. Posted: July 31, 2019In: Coming of Age

    A shy adolescent is forced to question her identity when she and a mysterious new friend are chased across the states by a vengeful Police Officer.

    yqwertz Mentor
    Added an answer on July 31, 2019 at 1:54 am

    If a "vengeful police officer" is chasing her "mysterious new friend" shouldn't she question her friend's identity, not her own? Once a police officer crosses an administrative district (county line, state line) he is out of jurisdiction and can no longer make an arrest unless he is in hot pursuit.Read more

    If a “vengeful police officer” is chasing her “mysterious new friend” shouldn’t she question her friend’s identity, not her own?

    Once a police officer crosses an administrative district (county line, state line) he is out of jurisdiction and can no longer make an arrest unless he is in hot pursuit. If the officer has a reason for pursuing the pair, then put it in the logline. If the officer is not in hot pursuit, then the pair can go to the next police station and have the officer arrested – problem solved.

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