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A basketball star must battle his vengeful mother’s attempt to sabotage his championship hopes when a posthumous letter from his long-lost dad reveals the young man was abducted and raised under a false identity.
The way I read this: The young man's mother has given him a letter from his dead father revealing that she ran away with the young man (who I assume is her own son since you say nothing about his real mother) and raised him under a false name. And she gives him this letter at this moment to mentallyRead more
The way I read this: The young man’s mother has given him a letter from his dead father revealing that she ran away with the young man (who I assume is her own son since you say nothing about his real mother) and raised him under a false name. And she gives him this letter at this moment to mentally upset him while he is playing a basketball tournament because she wants revenge for some wrong we don’t yet know about.
At its core you have a story about a basketball player who has to overcome some personal issues to help his TEAM win the championship. The problem your story faces is that the personal issues do not seem all that compelling. The usual reason women run away with their own babies is because the men in their life abused them. The idea that the woman is extremely selfish and ran away with the baby so she could have it all for herself is far fetched. All she has to do is tell her son his father beat her and he will believe her because it is far more likely than the alternative.
I think you are trying to juggle too much in one logline. Concentrate on the relationship between mother and son and relegate the father to a subplot not mentioned in the logline. Tell us why the two main characters are at war with each other and what is at stake for each.
See lessOn the cusp of the 23rd century,? our world has almost completely succumbed to global warming, forcing all inhabitants to live in one giant, multi-cultured community. Racism, greed, destruction, and chaos run amok with no end in sight. Every citizen is forced to pick up weapons to either slaughter or protect. A young adult and his best friend enlist in a government-owned team of fighters, whose main goal is to stop the spread of corruption and save humanity from the brink of extinction.
First, at 83 words, it is much too long. Try to keep a logline under 40 words, whereby shorter is better. Second, your logline is all background and setting, there is no inciting incident that kicks off the story and no objective goal for the hero to reach. Third, the hero is described in generic teRead more
First, at 83 words, it is much too long. Try to keep a logline under 40 words, whereby shorter is better. Second, your logline is all background and setting, there is no inciting incident that kicks off the story and no objective goal for the hero to reach. Third, the hero is described in generic terms as a “young adult”, whereas he should be described in terms of strengths that will help him reach his goal, or better yet, weakness that will hinder him from reaching his goal. Finally, as this story is set in a dystopian future, it might better be classified as science fiction instead of adventure.
See less1960 (USA) Two criminals parked roadside, one black, one white, they wait for money to be picked up, but a battle of wits breaks out resulting in one being shot and the money disappearing.
Not sure if this is a summary of the whole movie or just the opening scene. Either way, why should we care when two criminals fight over money and one gets shot? Last week a similar incident occurred not far from where I live. That story received 30 seconds of air time on the local channel. What makRead more
Not sure if this is a summary of the whole movie or just the opening scene. Either way, why should we care when two criminals fight over money and one gets shot? Last week a similar incident occurred not far from where I live. That story received 30 seconds of air time on the local channel. What makes this story so special that it merits a two hour dramatization? However you formulate your logline, it should make the reader care enough about the particulars to want to know more.
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