THE EGG AND I- A blindly driven 40-year-old woman is told she’s too old to have a baby but may have a shot if she finds sperm in a week, she finds a fortuitous donor, while her ex-bestie manipulates him, attempting to block her from finding unexpected love and one good egg.

Let me see if I can parse this:

>>is told she's too old to have a baby
Says who? ?Her hair dresser? ?Her office co-workers? ?A her gynecologist, after an examination?

>>>may have a shot
This seems to contradict the previous statement because if she were ?too old, ?she would not even have a shot.

>>>if she finds sperm in a week
I know there's an optimal window each month in the menstrual cycle ?-- but if she misses the window of opportunity next week, can't she try again next month? ?IOW; I don't find "next week or never" to be credible.

>>>she finds a fortuitous donor
That was fast

Too fast. ?Nothing should be quick and easy for the main character, particularly in finding the sin qua non, the right man to make her pregnant.

What if her dramatic dilemma is that she urgently feels the biological clock ticking down ?-- but she also wants a donor who ?matches her impossibly high standards for a sire? ?

I mean, why is she still single? What is the real character flaw that got her into this predicament?

>>>while her ex-bestie manipulates him,
A mid-point complication for the plot, but in any event extraneous for the purpose of a logline. ? Why? Because you've only got 25-30 words ideally, 40 words absolute max -- your version is 48 -- to ?lay out the key elements in the plot. (As enumerated under "Formula" at the top of the web page). There's no ?spare space to squeeze in midpoint ?complications or shocking 3rd Act reveals.

fwiw

Let me see if I can parse this:

>>is told she's too old to have a baby
Says who? ?Her hair dresser? ?Her office co-workers? ?A her gynecologist, after an examination?

>>>may have a shot
This seems to contradict the previous statement because if she were ?too old, ?she would not even have a shot.

>>>if she finds sperm in a week
I know there's an optimal window each month in the menstrual cycle ?-- but if she misses the window of opportunity next week, can't she try again next month? ?IOW; I don't find "next week or never" to be credible.

>>>she finds a fortuitous donor
That was fast

Too fast. ?Nothing should be quick and easy for the main character, particularly in finding the sin qua non, the right man to make her pregnant.

What if her dramatic dilemma is that she urgently feels the biological clock ticking down ?-- but she also wants a donor who ?matches her impossibly high standards for a sire? ?

I mean, why is she still single? What is the real character flaw that got her into this predicament?

>>>while her ex-bestie manipulates him,
A mid-point complication for the plot, but in any event extraneous for the purpose of a logline. ? Why? Because you've only got 25-30 words ideally, 40 words absolute max -- your version is 48 -- to ?lay out the key elements in the plot. (As enumerated under "Formula" at the top of the web page). There's no ?spare space to squeeze in midpoint ?complications or shocking 3rd Act reveals.

fwiw

thanks it helps, is this any better

A blindly driven 40-year-old woman is told she's too old to have a baby but may have a shot if she finds sperm in a week, she finds a fortuitous donor, while her ex-bestie manipulates him, attempting to block her from finding unexpected?love and one good egg.