dogger

Oracle · 87,800 points

Rank10 badges

Activity10 badges

1 10 100 500 2.5K 1 10 50 1

Daily challenge1 of 8 badges

no active streak · 1 solved · next badge at a 7-day streak

Reviews

← All activity

on An immigrant father seeks redemption through connecting with his estranged son while trying to keep his house and career intact. ★ Accepted

The logline is concise, but it would benefit from more specificity. Like a defining characteristic for the immigrant father and son that distinguishes them from all the other stories about immigrant parents dealing with alienated children. And a concrete, objective…
on CITY LIMITS When a typo in a class-action settlement awards every resident of a bankrupt town one million dollars if nobody leaves for thirty days, a by-the-book city clerk must seal the town shut and outwit corporate saboteurs determined to get one resident across the border.

A concept with a lot of comedic potential. Here is a suggested revision for your consideration: A class-action settlement typo awards every resident of a commuter-bedroom town one million dollars IF nobody leaves for thirty days. Now the mayor must…
on When a publicity-hungry mayor hires a recently released felon—imprisoned for secretly giving luxury vacations to families who couldn’t afford them—to run tourism for his failing Florida town, Matt Stevens must turn Sunny Cove into a destination people actually want to visit, despite one glaring problem: there is no cove and no sun.

About half the logline (27 out of 52 words) is devoted to the inciting incident and a character who, if I understand the logline correctly, is not the protagonist. But who seems to be a more interesting character than the…
on When the regime’s henchmen execute his entire congregation, a grieving priest infiltrates the tyrant’s palace as the new concierge, determined to detonate a bomb on the balcony of the Great Belfry as the tyrant addresses the crowd.

Here is my version, distilled to what I suggest is its essence: After a dictator's henchmen executes his entire congregation, a priest takes revenge into his own hands by infiltrating the regime's staff in order to assassinate the dictator. That…
on Feeling trapped between student debt, his mother’s hospital bills, and the ever-increasing demands of his girlfriend. Faust Boris, a desperate university student decides to make a deal with Cross, the owner of a mysterious pawn shop to put his afterlife to bargain in return for money. ★ Accepted

It seems to me this logline can be distilled down to: A college graduate pawns his soul to the devil for enough money to pay off crushing student loan debts and meet urgent financial obligations. (25 words) A variant of…
on After ICE arrests his undocumented girlfriend during a raid, a quick-witted loafer who joined only to skim money from the agency he despises must risk exposure to smuggle her from detention before she is deported.

The story is certainly topical. And controversial (understatement). You labeled the story as a comedy. My expectation is that it will play out as a dark comedy. I like most of the ingredients for your script, but I have concerns…
on When a flight attendant smuggles on a chainsaw and starts butchering passengers mid-flight, an aerophobe must bottle his panic to take down the killer and save his family on board.

I suggest refocusing the logline on the story hook, the grab. Which, IMHO, is not one passenger's flight phobia. What grabs my attention, what stokes my imagination and curiosity is the flight attendant. What's her (his?) backstory? What motivates her…
on When his liquor licence is stripped due to unpaid bills, a neurotic publican must win the local fishing competition’s cash prize, but when he realises he is competing against his abusive father, he must control his manic behaviour to out-fish him and save the pub he calls home.

The logline has a potentially interesting comic premise, but I think it could benefit from trimming. The core of the plot seems to be something like: "A neurotic, cash-strapped publican must win a fishing competition cash prize to keep his…
on When a young archivist graduates and comes home to a family remade by her sister’s undiagnosed illness, two stray cats follow her off the train and start pulling her into her neighbors’ buried griefs, waking a gift in her body that turns water into stories.

Re: >>>conflict comes from change, from nature That can work. In man (or woman) confronting nature or environments stories, the forces of nature or vagaries of the environment are the (impersonal) antagonist. Three examples: The Martian (2015); All is Lost…
on When the sole survivor of a destroyed lifeboat is pulled aboard a sinking luxury liner, he is plunged into further chaos as the crew begins to abandon the doomed passengers of the SS Arctic. ★ Accepted

Since your story is based upon an historical event, I suggest that the logline should include the date. I couldn't make sense of this version of your logline until I discovered from some online research that the precipitating event for…