Griffyn

Showrunner · 681 points

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on Leaving her shattered acting dream behind, a desperate woman finds a dead body in a motel. To escape the local police chief, she poses as an FBI agent who has disappeared with $10 million. How long can she keep up this lie before the police, the FBI or the local mafia catch her?

Why is she desperate? The causation between finding the dead body and needing to escape from the police is missing a link. We need to understand what went wrong when finding this dead body that prompts the actions for the…
on A 20-year-old woman feels trapped in her small mountain town and hopes to move to a city where she can become a professional store manager; but then her father dies, leaving her a debt-ridden mercantile that her neighbors need to survive the Great Depression.

It's a good character, but probably when it comes to a logline it's beneficial to keep it to a few key attributes describing the character. We have a clear inciting incident, her father dying, but what does she do in…
on A soldier tasked with organising a vegetable show becomes the target of disgruntled comrades and friends. Reprieved from armed combat he must prove his worth to stand tall with his fellow soldiers. As the show teeters on the edge of collapse he must take matters into his own hands and offer something that was never his to give.

Is there a specific reason why a soldier is hosting a vegetable show? That could potentially be woven into their character. Why does he become the target of disgruntled friends? Specificity with this will help the audience visualise the story.…
on After his mother’s mysterious death, a haunted martial artist travels from Hong Kong to Washington D.C., where he uncovers a deadly conspiracy linking his estranged father to a powerful toxin—and a young woman whose own past may hold the key to the truth.

What this logline is missing is character action and a chain of causation. Many compelling things happen to the protagonist, his mother dies, he discovers a conspiracy and a mysterious woman, but our main character doesn't do anything in response…
on When she loses her mercantile’s postal permit to a jealous neighbor, a young woman must find another way to keep the store open during the Depression.

What is the specific method that she is going to use to keep the shop alive? That should be the driving goal for the second half of the logline, as we need a specific thing to picture when we're visualising…
on When a shepherd is found dead in his field, his flock must solve the murder themselves.

Who is the protagonist who leads the flock through solving the murder? The logline should be written from the protagonist's POV, which would hopefully present why they must be the one's to solve this crime and not anyone else. Why…
on When the sole survivor of a destroyed lifeboat is pulled aboard a sinking luxury liner, he is plunged into further chaos as the crew begins to abandon the doomed passengers of the SS Arctic.

What does it mean by "the crew begins to abandon the doomed passengers of the SS arctic". I thought he was pulled aboard the luxury liner? Also, wasn't he the sole surviver (unless your talking about the lifeboat as it's…
on A socially deprived, true crime obsessed man becomes infatuated with a Jane Doe case, and documents his pathetic attempt at inserting himself in her story by solving the case.

Great character with a clear goal to solve the case and insert himself in her story. I think the inciting incident isn't clear visually. I understand he becomes infatuated with the Jane Doe case, but does something happen to cause…
on When a young archivist graduates and comes home to a family remade by her sister’s undiagnosed illness, two stray cats follow her off the train and start pulling her into her neighbors’ buried griefs, waking a gift in her body that turns water into stories.

My biggest concern is a lack of specifics (this is in regards to the revised logline in the comments). How does her sister's undiagnosed illness work from our protagonists POV, how does she know there is an illness if it…
on After dead bodies start piling up, a family lawyer enlists the help of wrongfully accused street hustler to tail the killer, but what happens if the killer is hiding in plain sight.

I think it needs more clarity around the killer. They're tailing the killer which makes it sound like they know who it is and they're gathering evidence, but that then makes hiding in plain sight redundant. Or the hustlers is…