A miner investigating a vein of gold must bring his team of five back to safety when a string of seemingly paranormal occurrences drives the men to insanity.

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Moles

9 reviews

dogger · Singularity · 87,055 pts

The mystery for me is the dog that isn't barking. To wit, how come the protagonist is the only one not driven to insanity?

Nicholas Andrew Halls · Mentor · 8,970 pts

Your logline suggests the inciting incident is a string of paranormal occurrences that sends his team insane ... so if they're insane, what does "bringing them back to safety" look like? And if the "safety" is just escaping the ghosts (or whatever they're encountering) ... why don't they just leave the mine? What is making that difficult?

There's no clear antagonist, beside a vague force, but I guess with ghost movies that's not so crucial? I'm not certain on that one ...

What else do you know about the miner? Is there some way to make him the ironic protagonist, or else give us a little more indication of the internal journey he's likely to experience?

Richiev · Singularity · 58,825 pts

"When a string of paranormal occurrences haunts a pragmatic miner and his team, He must lead his crew to safety even as his workers delve deeper into madness."

bhagavad · Penpusher · 50 pts

I would shorten it further & dump the 'seemingly paranormal' and replace it with 'freakish' or 'strange'. I think the first option is scarier. Your logline suggests a horror-thriller genre [correct me if I am wrong], so tight and scary is best.

Former member · Singularity · 114,968 pts

Nice work. The criticism is "the stakes". What if the protagonist fails.
Why must they achieve what they have set out to achieve?
And why must they achieve it *now*.
What genre is this? Is this a dark genre? Or an animated feature for kids? This doesn't come across in the logline.
Also, "Team of five", plus the protagonist, plus (one or more) antagonists, it's an ensemble, or else there could be some non-essential characters here. Suggest no more than 5 (total) in the team, and don't specify the number "five" in the logline.
Other than that, "Great job! Attaboy! You can do it!"
Or a personal one from me.
"Don't take it too personally. It's not YOU that suck. It's not your VISION that sucks, it's just that your logline needs a little work. There's hope for you. Suggest that you subscribe to Karel Seger's Blog, The Story Department". I haven't seen you post before. Are you new here?