A murdered chess champion challenges heaven to save her brother from becoming her killer’s next victim.

Thanks for your feedback Jean-Marie Mazaleyrat. The hero is still the same and the story is essentially the same; however, the wording seemed to get better feedback on Logline.it. The story is still evolving so any comments you have to share would be very valuable.

thanks Almiiitey,

It's an other trip. Have you changed your hero and and the whole story?

Thanks so much for offering to read the original logline. Here it is:

A murdered teenage girl sacrifices eternity to return as a ghost and protect her brother from becoming her killer's next victim.

Looking forward to your comments.

Hi Almiiitey,

I didn't find this new logline on logline.It
I would be happy to read it.

Thanks

I recently submitted a simpler logline idea that did not include the chess reference that received positive feedback from Logline It reviewers. The comments on the revised logline have convinced me to stick to the original idea. Thank you to all for your comments.

Hi Almiiitey,

Your logline has a few issues IMO -- most of which have been already mentioned by nicholasandrewhalls and dpg -- but here's my two cents:

By stipulating that your hero is a (former..?) chess champion may not necessarily mean the 'challenge' is a chess match... you need to specify that.

If that is quite well the case, I see an issue with a chess challenge to 'heaven' -- it's like saying a chess champion challenges... I don't know... Russia to a chess match. Chess is a one on one game -- you can challenge a Russian KGB Agent, or a Russian Farmer, or a Russian Psychopath, etc etc etc...'must challenge the Arch Angel Gabriel to a chess match to save his Brother's life...'???

The other issue is that the premise (beyond the challenging heaven to a chess game bit...) is feeling a bit too close to 'Ghost', IMO anyway.

Also, what's at stake at the moment is the life of the Brother... But what does this mean for the protag? As they are now a soul, and I'm assuming in 'heaven' (be that a Christian/ Mythical Greek/ Buddhist aka 'Monkey' type heaven...?) -- they'll get to spend eternity with him (assuming the brother has earned a pass into heaven and not the place that dpg is on a fast course for...;) )... not such a bad thing. In 'Ghost', Patrick Swayze's character is 'trapped' on earth as a ghost until he can not only prevent the murder of his girl, but until he can bring the murderer(s) to justice... It's only after that that he gets to disappear up into 'the light'...

Lastly -- I feel this idea could work better if what was at stake was the brother's soul to the other place, that place that might be suffering from some extreme global warning issues, but which is apparently a lot more fun than heaven...;)

Anyway -- best of luck.

Why would "heaven" accept the challenge? Wouldn't god's point of view be that heaven is the ultimate grand prize. So if some one on earth is murdered -- well, doesn't that just expedite their arrival at the best of all possible places to be?

It seems to me stories like this only work if the newly arrived has to finish business on unheavenly earth of spiritual import, right a wrong, get one last chance to learn an important life lesson.

But then I've been assigned to the fast lane to hell, so what do I know?

Why would "heaven" accept the challenge? Wouldn't god's point of view be that heaven is the ultimate grand prize. So if some one on earth is murdered -- well, doesn't that just expedite their arrival at the best of all possible places to be?

It seems to me stories like this only work if the newly arrived has to finish business on unheavenly earth of spiritual import, right a wrong, get one last chance to learn an important life lesson.

But then I've been assigned to the fast lane to hell, so what do I know?

So to give to nicholasandrewhalls what he wants to know, the best is that you write this story.

Good luck.