Already a member?
9 reviews
The re-writes are a machete when we need a scalpel.
A troubled teen?must somehow help her family survive inside of a quarantine zone until the cure for a mysterious illness can be found.
I don't see any reason to reveal that she is suicidal. If she is, fine. Have her deal with it inside of the story. Usually, in sci-fi stories like this, the MC has the cure lingering inside of their body somehow. If this is not the case here, I still fail to see how a teenager will save the day in the end, but hey, I hope the OP has figured it out somehow and this gets made.
"On the verge of?suicide, an insecure teen?is?expected to care for her alcoholic father during a quarentine but when?her father is forced to spend time in close quarters with her polyamorous lovers she must keep the peace to keep them safe and inside before one, or all, of them break out of the apt complex and become exposed to a mysterious illness." (65 words)
There is too much background at the beginning which can be integrated into the description of the main plot. The description of the character's flaw doesn't seem to add anything to story, whether as a character flaw or as a skill she can use to accomplish her goal. Also, the conflict is unclear, and makes the characters seem illogical. If they all know about the illness and that they'll be infected if they leave, why would any of them leave, no matter how much conflict they have among themselves?
The logline is described as horror. So what is the horror element? What is the character or force that causes the horror?
On another note, how does this concept differ from multiple other infection movies? Zombie movies? It seems like yet another movie about uninfected people trying to avoid being infected, and the main character have conflict between themselves. What does your concept offer that's different from what's already been done?
And, as Nir Shelter pointed out, what is the specific goal? What must she accomplish or fail at for the conflict to be resolved? ?A logline should describe a clear, visual action, what a viewer would see on screen, what a producer would be able record to put on a screen.
I hope this helps.
Richiev nailed the main problem with this logline - the order of the descriptions.
Think of a logline as an easy to understand description of the main sequence of events in your story.
About the latest draft of the logline on this thread, it is too long, the MC description makes it hard to empathize with her and the goal is vague.
Loglines are best kept between 25 and 30 words, this forces you to refine the concept to the primary plot in your story (it also makes it far easier for a reader to grasp).
Secondly, if your main character is crazy and suicidal it is hard to believe she can do anything especially take care of herself much less others. As pointed out by DPG and Foxtrot25, her being suicidal is a problem. Yes, there have been good characters in successful films that were suicidal but not many, to that matter, most of them had depression as defining characteristic not necessarily suicidal thoughts, perhaps best to redefine her as depressed instead. Suicidal characters can be written well but are harder to pull off and sell.
Lastly, define what it is she needs to achieve as an event that will clearly frame her actions in a finite amount of time. Prevent others from breaking quarantine can go on for a very long time, what is it she must do that will make it clear beyond doubt that she has achieved her objective?