Set in the near future: When his neighbourhood is raided by a violent vigilante squad, a gang-member must venture through enemy territory to get his 5 year old daughter to sanctuary before they are killed.

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7 reviews

Valentin · Mentor · 3,580 pts

When his sanctuary compound is raided, a reformed gunslinger embarks on a journey to rescue his five years old daughter from slave merchants.

CraigDGriffiths · Overlord · 12,600 pts

I know the problem.

Drop the inciting incident. It isn't tied close enough to the struggle to make sense in the logline. Plus sanctuary is vague. But here is a refined version.

A gangster much sneak his daughter through enemy territory to reach safety while being pursued by vigilantes.

Former member · Singularity · 114,965 pts

If the protagonist is an ex-gang banger, he may be the victim of a vigilante squad inflicting street justice, but wouldn't it be justice that the gang banger has brought upon himself and his daughter for participating in lawless acts?? His daughter is innocent, but he isn't.?

I find the moral geometry of the premise somewhat confusing and unsatisfactory.