Categories: Action
I guess I am going to have to start a new one on this -- it won't let me edit anymore -- just opens up a new submission form. I do value all of this feedback!!!! And am working diligently to improve!
It's clear that you're passionate about this concept - a very good thing. However, best not to let our passion stand in the way of accepting notes. There seem to be several repeat comments in this thread, most of which still apply.
What is his single, objective and visible to a camera goal?? You mention in the logline "...his attempts at redemption...", which attempt, in SPECIFIC DETAIL, is it that provides him with redemption?
As long as this crucial bit of information is missing from the logline, there is no plot described in it. Think of a plot as the crux of a story and the primary focus of a logline.
What do you conceive as the hook of the story?
What makes this different from, makes it stand out from all the other films already made about plagues and epidemics?
Why must the protagonist be an investment banker? ?What's so dramatically special about his profession in relation to the epidemic? ?How does being an investment banker make him a sympathetic character? He's in the over-privileged 1% with money and access to resources to better his odds than the other 99%. ?So why should the audience (most of whom are in the other 99%) care about him?
How does"attempts at redemption" translate into a concrete objective goal? ?What specifically must he do? His efforts may be "fruitless" but what exactly he is struggling to do, what's his game plan to survive? ?And does it include saving others?
Take as an example "Schindler's List": ?the protagonist's redemptive act for exploiting Jewish labor during World War 2 translates into the specific, concrete objective goal of saving as many Jews as he can from the ghetto and Auschwitz. ?He risks all, spends every pfennig he has to save others.
What do you conceive as the hook of the story?
What makes this different from, makes it stand out from all the other films already made about plagues and epidemics?
Why must the protagonist be an investment banker? ?What's so dramatically special about his profession in relation to the epidemic? ?How does being an investment banker make him a sympathetic character? He's in the over-privileged 1% with money and access to resources to better his odds than the other 99%. ?So why should the audience (most of whom are in the other 99%) care about him?
How does"attempts at redemption" translate into a concrete objective goal? ?What specifically must he do? His efforts may be "fruitless" but what exactly he is struggling to do, what's his game plan to survive? ?And does it include saving others?
Take as an example "Schindler's List": ?the protagonist's redemptive act for exploiting Jewish labor during World War 2 translates into the specific, concrete objective goal of saving as many Jews as he can from the ghetto and Auschwitz. ?He risks all, spends every pfennig he has to save others.
New one posted! Please comment!
The last version of the logline doesn't describe a dramatic premise, and I think you're looking at loglines, in general, in the wrong way.? You've described? an inciting incident in all the logline's iterations - a major event that affects the world of the MC, but you've not described a direct causality between that and the Mc's goal. It remains unclear what he or she MUST achieve by the end of the story, or else a very bad thing will happen.
For a dramatic premise to exist you need a goal and motivation, otherwise it's just random events loosely connected via geography and character involvement. In essence, a good logline, and by extension a good concept, is made up of three main components; a significant inciting incident, high stakes and a compelling goal.
A few side notes, often the high stakes are best coupled with something personal to the MC, and a good character will be flawed. The flaw is only briefly described in the logline so as to indicate the inner journey, or the lesson, the main character will undergo throughout the story.
If you think all this can't be achieved in a single (approximately 30 words or less) logline, I invite you to read through the multiple examples posted already in other threads and study the Training tab up top again. There is a formula for logline construction, and it works not as a formula for the creative process of story invention, rather purely as a structuring tool to help writers include all the necessary elements in a logline.
Back to your logline, what MOTIVATES the MC to HAVE to achieve the specific GOAL?
