1. Posted: June 25, 2014In:

    Former government agent Liam Dunham is determined to kill his ex-wife Samantha Ryan by any means possible. He becomes like the very terrorists he was trained to fight. Samantha Ryan is a DoD Agency Director determined to protect her son from him, the estranged and monster of an ex husband while trying to prevent an international incident in the process.

    beezeebee Penpusher

    Hi Presario2200, Several issues I see with this logline: 1. Loglines don't mention character names 2. Why is the former agent determined to kill his ex, in other words, what does this accomplish? Is he taking revenge for something? The way you wrote it almost feels like he's doing this on a whim, beRead more

    Hi Presario2200,
    Several issues I see with this logline:
    1. Loglines don’t mention character names
    2. Why is the former agent determined to kill his ex, in other words, what does this accomplish? Is he taking revenge for something? The way you wrote it almost feels like he’s doing this on a whim, becoming like a terrorist as you say. What makes him this way?
    3. Why is she now protecting her son from him, if he wants to kill her? What is the international incident exactly? This sound all vague and muddled up to me…

    Try to clarify who the hero is, what exactly he/she is trying to accomplish and what the tangible consequences of his/her failure will be.

    See less
    • 0
  2. Posted: June 26, 2014In:

    After a decade apart, a guilt-ridden Irish banker who is terminally ill must reveal to her American baseball star/ex-boyfriend that her preteen daughter is actually his, so she can die in peace.

    beezeebee Penpusher

    Hi carllord, Sounds more like a character arc than a logline to me. You have an internal development of the hero laid out here, but I am missing the main obstacle keeping the hero from achieving his goal. Since she's terminally ill, she should have a fairly easy time admitting this, or who else willRead more

    Hi carllord,
    Sounds more like a character arc than a logline to me. You have an internal development of the hero laid out here, but I am missing the main obstacle keeping the hero from achieving his goal. Since she’s terminally ill, she should have a fairly easy time admitting this, or who else will take care of her daughter when she’s gone? While the irony of the situation sounds great, I don’t see where the main opposition is coming from, either internally or externally. Certainly no match against her impending death and leaving her little girl to fend for herself…

    See less
    • 0
  3. Posted: June 26, 2014In:

    When a teenager discovers he can summon a spiritual beast when in danger, he will have to learn how to control his gift if he is to stop a murder who targets those with abilities like himself.

    beezeebee Penpusher

    Hi KnowledgeKnight, Sounds like a revamp of "Jumper" to me. There the twist is that his own mother was actually one of those who were after "gifted" people. What is the twist in your story and how does it innovate on the idea of someone being persecuted for being different/special? This is a very reRead more

    Hi KnowledgeKnight,
    Sounds like a revamp of “Jumper” to me. There the twist is that his own mother was actually one of those who were after “gifted” people. What is the twist in your story and how does it innovate on the idea of someone being persecuted for being different/special? This is a very recurrent theme in countless stories… Is your hero the one actively hunting down the hunter, or is he on the run like Jumper?

    See less
    • 0