1. Posted: June 15, 2018In:

    After hearing about a new ?cancer? that?s targeting people like him, a gay kids reality becomes much scarier than fiction in 1982 small town Indiana. Based on actual events, ten-year-old Billy joins a fundamental Baptist Church to avoid ?God?s Punishment? and try to pray away the feelings for his fourth grade crush but, instead, finds himself fighting for his young life which lies the hands of a church, community, and family that doesn?t want him to exist.

    variable Uberwriter

    I can see two stories here -- the one about ?cancer? targeting people like him, & the other in which he joins the Church to pray away feelings for his school crush. I'd suggest to build on one of them, macro-plan in terms of the three act Act 1, Billy gets infatuated over his classmate. Act 2A,Read more

    I can see two stories here — the one about ?cancer? targeting people like him, & the other in which he joins the Church to pray away feelings for his school crush.

    I’d suggest to build on one of them, macro-plan in terms of the three act
    Act 1, Billy gets infatuated over his classmate.
    Act 2A, How his presence helps him find his true self (Then they are caught in midpoint reversal)
    Act 2B, All that could go wrong in their lives, internally and externally. & Act 3 denouement

    I like how a kid in ’82 could be influenced by the social stigma of discovering his true self. That’s a worthy emotional center. Good Luck!!

    PS. Drop the name. Spelling out his ‘Role’ works

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  2. Posted: June 15, 2018In:

    When his apartment block is raided by mobsters, an angsty teen discovers that his boring parents were once hit-men of the Yakuza and so he must learn their old ways to defend himself against the violent thugs, who are lead by his estranged Uncle, if he hopes to escape with his life.

    variable Uberwriter

    1 I like how the mobsters are lead by his estranged Uncle. That could serve as your emotional center plotwise but need not be mentioned in the logline (except if we can afford it by word count, it would be a good hook..) 2 which of these two is your Inciting Incident? ? When his apartment block is rRead more

    1
    I like how the mobsters are lead by his estranged Uncle. That could serve as your emotional center plotwise but need not be mentioned in the logline (except if we can afford it by word count, it would be a good hook..)

    2
    which of these two is your Inciting Incident?
    ? When his apartment block is raided by mobsters…
    ? An angsty teen discovers that his boring parents were once hit-men of the Yakuza..

    3
    Why MUST he learn their old ways to defend himself against the violent thugs? Why doesn’t he call 911?

    One crappy version could be —
    In the middle of his neighborhood being robbed, an angsty teen learns his parents were once hired killers, & must learn their old ways to defend his girl-next-door

    Good Luck!!

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  3. Posted: June 14, 2018In:

    A doll maker that got blessed because he can reunites with his kid..

    variable Uberwriter

    What you've specified is an event (not a logline) Protagonist: The doll maker Event: His latest creation becomes alive (as his kid) Logline becomes... "When a doll maker's latest creation becomes alive to be his kid, he must [do this action to] [&/or] [reach this goal]" >>>As a result oRead more

    What you’ve specified is an event (not a logline)

    Protagonist: The doll maker
    Event: His latest creation becomes alive (as his kid)

    Logline becomes…

    “When a doll maker’s latest creation becomes alive to be his kid, he must [do this action to] [&/or] [reach this goal]”

    >>>As a result of this Inciting Event, what becomes his objective GOAL??
    _________________________________________

    The MANDATORY in a logline —
    ? story?s first major event or ?Inciting Incident?
    ? hero?s function or role in the story (e.g. a mother, a cop, a scientist)
    ? the hero?s goal or main action in the story

    OPTIONAL (unnecessary if implied in the Inciting Incident)
    ? hero?s weakness/flaw (e.g. headstrong, timid, solitary, cocky, depressed)
    ? the obstacle(s) and/or the Antagonist
    ? the stakes

    Formula: “When [a major event happens], [the hero], must [do the main action]”

    Logline for JAWS becomes —
    When [a swimmer is brutally killed by a shark], [a small-town sheriff] must [stop the killing monster]

    Good Luck Pratama Putra Wijaya!!

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