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When the boy she meets turns out to be a werewolf like her, a sheltered girl begins a forbidden relationship with that helps express their beastly forms but runs the risk of being discovered by the paranoid hicks of her small town.
Hello The_CNI! You can drop "...with that helps express their beastly forms". It would work great in your script, but unnecessary in the logline Apart from that, It would benefit from raising the stakes; Editing with the information that the werewolves are endangered (and feared/hated) in this worldRead more
Hello The_CNI!
You can drop “…with that helps express their beastly forms”. It would work great in your script, but unnecessary in the logline
Apart from that, It would benefit from raising the stakes; Editing with the information that the werewolves are endangered (and feared/hated) in this world works great with the use of keywords “forbidden relationship” & “paranoid hicks” so working in that direction seems only fitting
My only suggestion is to specify what becomes her GOAL as a result of what awaits them (since your Inciting incident doesn’t yet introduce an urgency, only hints at the conflict…)
Good Luck!!
See lessAfter building a machine that can see the future, a young inventor and his friend use it to get rich, only to run afoul of gangsters.
Your Inciting incident is "building a machine to see into future and get rich", while Richiev's is "running afoul of gangsters" which does the job of driving the plot ahead, hence better. I like it how they use it to get rich, only to run afoul of gangsters....only I am unable to find a relation thaRead more
Your Inciting incident is “building a machine to see into future and get rich”, while Richiev’s is “running afoul of gangsters” which does the job of driving the plot ahead, hence better.
I like it how they use it to get rich, only to run afoul of gangsters….only I am unable to find a relation that connects the two. How did their future peeking resulted into “running into gangsters”?
A logline must raise this one question only — “will our hero be able to achieve his goal?”
Which brings us to my final concern,
What becomes his GOAL as a result of this unintended consequence? It needs to be spelled or in your logline
Good Luck Philster!!
See lessDriven by the impoverishment surrounding his family and community, a timid young man attempts to take back the land stolen from his ancestors. Based on a true story of [US State/Country] infamy. (Title: Trespass Against Those)
It seems perfect without much revision. For 28W -- Based on true story of a timid man, who driven by the poverty of his community, joins a rebellion to take back the land stolen from his ancestors Good Luck with your writing dcpm012!! (I don't know about the US state Infamy and am unable to find itRead more
It seems perfect without much revision. For 28W —
Based on true story of a timid man, who driven by the poverty of his community, joins a rebellion to take back the land stolen from his ancestors
Good Luck with your writing dcpm012!!
See less(I don’t know about the US state Infamy and am unable to find it online, so don’t know if mentioning it becomes hooking or not)