1. Posted: June 7, 2018In:

    “They say first impressions are the most important. Luckily, twelve-year-old geek, Gordon Periwinkle gets a second.” A reluctant geek looks to create a new image when he is the new kid in school. After he fails miserably, he gets a second chance to re-live that week, this time he takes a completely different path while fully knowing the outcome of each previous decision.

    variable Uberwriter

    After trimming down to the necessary -- "A reluctant geek gets a second chance to relive the week he failed, at creating a new image..." Logline has 3 mandatory components: 1. ROLE of the protagonist: a reluctant geek... 2. INCITING EVENT: ...gets a second chance to relive the week he failed at... 3Read more

    After trimming down to the necessary —
    “A reluctant geek gets a second chance to relive the week he failed, at creating a new image…”

    Logline has 3 mandatory components:
    1. ROLE of the protagonist: a reluctant geek…
    2. INCITING EVENT: …gets a second chance to relive the week he failed at…
    3. GOAL: …creating a new image

    First off, it’s better if you spell out “how he happened to relive that week” in the logline. A hint at that freak occurrence, much like your previous post (an event such as “saving cupid”) which could work as your Inciting incident.

    Now if it seems a tad too simple, that’s because…it is simple, fundamentally; an interesting premise which needs a layer of urgency, because…

    …What’s at stakes here??
    What happens if he fails to change his image? It seems to be his selfish goal. Why should we root for him? Maybe introduce his love interest and establish how he failed at his “love at first sight”, to create some pathos for the underdog

    Good Luck DackVigilante!!

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  2. Posted: June 6, 2018In:

    Two occult detectives must investigate a murder at a prestigious boys boarding school when the body of a missing boy is discovered.

    variable Uberwriter

    "Occult detectives" cannot believe that the cause of death was supernatural....why? It's their job to believe in the abnormal, right? The detectives have three days to catch the killer....why? The cause of death seems to be a heart attack....but the boy who started questioning them reveals himself aRead more

    “Occult detectives” cannot believe that the cause of death was supernatural….why? It’s their job to believe in the abnormal, right?

    The detectives have three days to catch the killer….why?

    The cause of death seems to be a heart attack….but the boy who started questioning them reveals himself as the killer….why don’t they arrest him then?

    Do you mean that the confusion stems from: “since the cause of death is heart attack, how can it be a murder??”

    But heart attack in children can occur in rare circumstances where there is a genetic predisposition to exceptionally high cholesterol. Other reasons for heart attack would include a structural abnormality of the heart or arteries that a child would be born with (Google Search Result)

    Maybe you need to use some impossible cause as death for the bully (even as an inciting event…)

    After a kid’s postmortem reveals [an impossible cause of death] two occult detectives are hired to investigate at a prestigious boys boarding school…….wait
    It still lacks “implied conflict”

    hope it helps

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  3. Posted: June 6, 2018In:

    A remand prisoner is re-routed to a temp facility where she must play ball with her vile cellmate in order to identify her own unwitting connection to the terror attack that diverted her.

    variable Uberwriter

    Is this about what would've happened, if Andy Dufresne got his chance at Elwood Blatch while still in Shawshank? ...forgive me but the wording seems confusing; what do you mean by "diverted"?

    Is this about what would’ve happened, if Andy Dufresne got his chance at Elwood Blatch while still in Shawshank?
    …forgive me but the wording seems confusing; what do you mean by “diverted”?

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