1. Posted: April 10, 2018In:

    While training a new intelligent human specie, a scientist discovers their origin to be alien. He must lead an intelligence team to erase them before they emerge as emperors to human-intelligence.

    Best Answer
    variable Uberwriter

    Humans are already an "intelligent" specie. It needs be mentioned if dogs started to speak. another take-- After the rise of "evolved homosapiens" an inquisitive biologist researches the responsible meteor shower, to encounter a bigger mystery........wait! 1. You need to spell it out in your loglineRead more

    Humans are already an “intelligent” specie. It needs be mentioned if dogs started to speak.

    another take–
    After the rise of “evolved homosapiens” an inquisitive biologist researches the responsible meteor shower, to encounter a bigger mystery……..wait!

    1. You need to spell it out in your logline, WHAT MYSTERY DOES HE ENCOUNTER? It cannot be vague

    2. What becomes his GOAL as a result of researching that century old meteor shower? WHAT SPECIFIC PROBLEMS arise?

    3. Why would the government send a biologist to “contain” an intelligent specie?
    Your logline would benefit from “a biologist leading a team of military….” Biologists are intellectuals needed in lab at the time of such an emergency

    4. What is your Inciting Incident? Since the evolved specie came into existence a century ago, what forced the biologist to research the meteor shower? WHY NOW?

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  2. Posted: April 10, 2018In:

    To save her people from extinction, a nanotech-specialist and her ultra-robot are sent to seek natives for gene-samples in a terrifying jungle, where they face a dangerous super-intelligence.

    variable Uberwriter

    Your first half: To save her people from extinction, a researcher and her robot seek gene-samples from natives of a terrifying jungle....... reads really well. The second half "......where they face a dangerous super-intelligence" how does that RELATE to your Inciting Incident? Your Goal "to save heRead more

    Your first half:

    To save her people from extinction, a researcher and her robot seek gene-samples from natives of a terrifying jungle…….

    reads really well.

    The second half “……where they face a dangerous super-intelligence” how does that RELATE to your Inciting Incident?

    Your Goal “to save her people from extinction” is pretty clear. I’m just curious how does facing a superintelligence work out for the researcher? How does it fits into your scheme? What’s the catch?

    What becomes her Goal then?
    {Encountering this superintelligence becomes the inciting incident which begs for another goal}

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  3. Posted: April 10, 2018In:

    After a handsome ?younger? man of 74 unexpectedly falls for her at their ?wheelchairs only? assisted living center, a bitter, 93-year-old divorcee must battle her own distrust of men, before accepting love and working to thwart the competition.

    variable Uberwriter

    How aboutAfter a man of 60 falls for her at their assisted living center, a bitter 65 year old divorcee must battle her distrust of menHowever interesting your idea maybe, 94 and 73 are ages when a person's requirement changes. I'll risk sounding rude but It's more about diapers, medicines, urinaryRead more

    How about

    After a man of 60 falls for her at their assisted living center, a bitter 65 year old divorcee must battle her distrust of men

    However interesting your idea maybe, 94 and 73 are ages when a person’s requirement changes. I’ll risk sounding rude but It’s more about diapers, medicines, urinary catheter and keeping them alive. That’s the bitter truth.

    If you had posted such details under “comedy” genre, audience would cut you some slack but to make it under romance would be unwise.

    Because when we talk about this, we don’t think of budding romance but about ensuring they change positions frequently to prevent skin breakdown and painful ulcers, which are susceptible to infection…

    I’ve been with my fair share of old people. They are more interested in seeking love from their family (particularly grand-kids) rather than seeking a new encounter. There’s-maybe-too much history in their heads to begin with.

    It’s bio-logically improbably too. Dopamine and Oxytocin levels decline (significantly) for them to think about “new romance”

    Truth is it gets hard for me to think about afterlife so I’m naturally confused and scared about death. I think, as one nears death, it’s “concept” must have similar effect on anyone’s mind. So that’s a part too. I had a chance to discuss it with a theist on his death bed. He had all this tubes inserted in him he could barely speak. But he told me he was still terrified of death and I quote “it’s all I can think about since I’ve been 75….what’s the use of r******n if it could not prepare me for deathbed” (naturally I got emotional)
    The point is, these are some of the topics floating in their head.

    That being said your premise “fighting one’s bitterness to face love in a living center”
    has legs.

    And your version is easy to read. It has character-event-goal which is good news
    Can you elaborate on “thwarting competition”, I dropped it from my attempt because I had no clue which competition it is, but an objective goal is always better (…so add that bit, in some way)

    good luck MalcolmD

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