1. Posted: December 22, 2012In:

    A devout basketball star's shot at reaching the ?Final Four? is sabotaged by his insidious mother when he discovers the untold truth about his fatherless past.

    debbiemoon Penpusher

    I want to know that truth. Never be scared to put your 'unique selling point' in the log line; after all, it's a selling point, and it can't sell anything if it's not there! Also, like Richiev, I'm not see how his parentage prevents him achieving his sports ambitions, so that could be clearer...

    I want to know that truth. Never be scared to put your ‘unique selling point’ in the log line; after all, it’s a selling point, and it can’t sell anything if it’s not there!

    Also, like Richiev, I’m not see how his parentage prevents him achieving his sports ambitions, so that could be clearer…

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  2. Posted: December 22, 2012In:

    Four over-educated slacker's from Seattle lose at life and love, until Oscar meets the woman of his dreams.

    debbiemoon Penpusher

    Yeah, that feels about the right shape for the logline. The woman is the stakes, the friends are the obstacle, and we need to know what he's going to do to (basically) get past them, to her. (Oh, and you'll want to pull that apostrophe out of there, too...)

    Yeah, that feels about the right shape for the logline. The woman is the stakes, the friends are the obstacle, and we need to know what he’s going to do to (basically) get past them, to her.

    (Oh, and you’ll want to pull that apostrophe out of there, too…)

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  3. Posted: December 22, 2012In:

    Oscar meets the girl of his dreams but his loser friends and loser life get in the way.

    debbiemoon Penpusher

    Promising, but I think we need to know where this is going: "So he...." does what to try to get her? How does it go wrong?

    Promising, but I think we need to know where this is going: “So he….” does what to try to get her? How does it go wrong?

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