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  1. Posted: September 11, 2015In: Public

    To solve the puzzle of her family disappearance, a fraud investigator must find out the truth about her father who masterminded an international criminal heist

    Best Answer
    FFF Mentor
    Added an answer on September 14, 2015 at 10:35 pm

    Hello, now the logline is quite good to read, but I still miss the logic that links "the family disappearence" and the heist; I miss a clear inciting incident linked to a goal. "When her family disappears," can't be the inciting event (I know from your previous explanation that this happened long beRead more

    Hello,
    now the logline is quite good to read, but I still miss the logic that links “the family disappearence” and the heist; I miss a clear inciting incident linked to a goal.
    “When her family disappears,” can’t be the inciting event (I know from your previous explanation that this happened long before the story starts).

    Act I.
    A fraud investigator is doing his ordinary work, her life is a little sad because her familiy disappeared. Then something happens (inciting event), something that gives her a clear goal : ________________________.

    For exemple : she finds out his father masterminded a big international heist. This gives her a clear goal : to find him and to find what happens to his family.

    The logline maybe would be:

    When a fraud investigator learns that her father masterminded an international heist, she must follow his tracks and solve the case to find her lost family.

    Maybe it’s not perfect but here at least I see a clear path from beginning to end. Maybe to gain attention you should say what is this “heist”. You promise an international criminal heist : do not promise, prouve it! (at least, try). A fake nazi secret “degenerate art” collection for exemple? A fake Catherine de M?dicis’s jewel? It must be something big. If it’s a fake syberian gold pearl, ok but it’s not a big hook because nobody knows what it is and what is its value – anyway better to say what it is and let the reader judge if it’s a “international criminal heist”.

    Anyway the message is focus about the inciting event and be specific.

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  2. Posted: September 4, 2015In: Public

    A woman whose mother was murdered when she was a child of twelve, is now, fifteen years later, working as a detective and still pursuing her mother's killer, who, it turns out, is closer than she thinks.

    FFF Mentor
    Added an answer on September 4, 2015 at 6:32 pm

    Sure, why now? in other words it would help to specify what exactly put the story in motion.

    Sure, why now? in other words it would help to specify what exactly put the story in motion.

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  3. Posted: September 2, 2015In: Public

    After the mysterious arrival of a stolen diamond and her missing brother's diary, an art forgery expert discovers that her long lost family was involved in an unsolved international crime, and is forced on a quest through the dark catacombs of Siberia to discover the truth

    FFF Mentor
    Added an answer on September 3, 2015 at 10:59 pm

    Hello, it's getting better. "was linked to"-> specify how. "an unsolved international crime" -> specify what crime. "she is captivated to solve it" -> this is a very poor motivation. Find something that she "must" do, rise the stakes. A main character should have a clear goal higher than 'cRead more

    Hello, it’s getting better.
    “was linked to”-> specify how.
    “an unsolved international crime” -> specify what crime.
    “she is captivated to solve it” -> this is a very poor motivation. Find something that she “must” do, rise the stakes. A main character should have a clear goal higher than ‘curiosity’.”What if she fails, what if she give up?” you should ask yourself. If ‘nothing, she’ll go back to her ordinary life” is the answer ther is a problem.

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