1. Posted: August 20, 2019In:

    A long-distance couple on opposite sides of the globe trying to keep their failing relationship alive through the use of a brand-new virtual reality technology encounter problems? when they begin to lose sight of what’s real and what’s not.

    giannisggeorgiou Samurai

    It's a good premise. I'm interested, but you don't give me enough meat to sink my teeth into. I don't get hooked. The VR I can imagine and it sounds cool. They have simulated dates, sim sexual encounters, even a sim family. And when they log out, they are back to their lonely physical realities. WhaRead more

    It’s a good premise. I’m interested, but you don’t give me enough meat to sink my teeth into. I don’t get hooked.

    The VR I can imagine and it sounds cool. They have simulated dates, sim sexual encounters, even a sim family.

    And when they log out, they are back to their lonely physical realities.

    What I don’t see in the logline is the direction towards which the complication (confusing VR with R) takes the story. I get that they confuse reality with VR, since their perfect VR dates become addictive, but how does this manifest as a story progression?

    I struggle to come up with ideas about it, so I certainly hope you have some yourself. I want to get hooked.

    By the way, wasn’t the b-story in Inception similar (other than that his wife was dead)? Perhaps the fact that a similar story makes enough screentime for another movie’s b-story only should make us think that your concept needs more meat.

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  2. Posted: August 20, 2019In:

    In a futuristic world in which aging is prevented through the extraction of other people?s cells, a woman goes on a reluctant murder spree to maintain her youth and her marriage for her daughter ? only to find out her husband has a fetish toward older women.

    Best Answer
    giannisggeorgiou Samurai

    (i) The fetish kicks me out?it's like a pointless "oopsy daisy" that undermines the story. (ii) Adding the word "reluctant" does not justify the protagonist's moral choices. If you want us to feel for her, you need to give us more background. (iii) How would her staying young help her daughter? Do yRead more

    (i) The fetish kicks me out?it’s like a pointless “oopsy daisy” that undermines the story.

    (ii) Adding the word “reluctant” does not justify the protagonist’s moral choices. If you want us to feel for her, you need to give us more background.

    (iii) How would her staying young help her daughter? Do you mean that if she stays young, her husband will not divorce her and her daughter will not grow up without a father? Is this strong enough a reason for someone to turn into a killer?

    (iv) I agree with the other comments: why does she have to kill people with her own hands? Do you visit the rejuvenation clinic bringing in your own victims’ blood cells? Does her husband not pay for the operation and must she find her own way to do it?

    Arbitrary attempt to re-write the log line ensues. Let’s study the formula:

    (0) WORLD SETTING:
    “In a society where science helps privileged conservatives stay young by sacrificing homeless children,” (or teenagers)

    (which explains the social structure and the sci-fi premise)

    (1) BIG EVENT:
    “when her husband files for divorce on the grounds of her old looks,”

    (which hints the society’s patriarchy)

    (2) FLAWED PROTAGONIST:
    “an neglected housewife”

    (3) MAIN ACTION:
    “becomes a serial killer to finance her rejuvenation and save her marriage.”

    (OK, how killing people finances the rejuvenation is not clear, but I don’t know what your intentions are down that road.)

    Now, this would only work if the “centre of good” is on the homeless victims and not the protagonist killer with her absurd privileged problems. I very much see this woman being punished in the end.

    The question is: is there any character that embodies the good? Perhaps a homeless vigilante? A Hobo With a Shotgun type?

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  3. Posted: August 20, 2019In:

    The diagnosis of infertility forces a desperate woman to decide whether she should face the risks of achieving her dream of motherhood at any cost.

    giannisggeorgiou Samurai

    "When diagnosed with infertility, a desperate woman kidnaps a baby from the street." Then what? I would start like this: "When she kidnaps a baby from the street, an infertile woman must..." Then, MAIN ACTION is required. She must what? She sounds more like an antagonist. "Must decide" cannot be a MRead more

    “When diagnosed with infertility, a desperate woman kidnaps a baby from the street.” Then what?

    I would start like this:

    “When she kidnaps a baby from the street, an infertile woman must…”

    Then, MAIN ACTION is required. She must what? She sounds more like an antagonist.

    “Must decide” cannot be a Main Action.

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