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When a distracted single mother learns her seemingly innocent 14-year-old son has live-streamed his murder of a girl, she must prove he is not to blame, but instead she uncovers an insidious challenge game, and his possession by a fusion of a murdered boy and her son’s primordial obsession.
Please clean up your syntax.Why is the mother "distracted?" I am curious to know what her flaw is. (I put "guilt-ridden" but you are the one calling the shots.)When she watches an online video of her teenage son murdering a girl, a guilt-ridden single mother must ...What, what, what can or must sheRead more
Please clean up your syntax.
Why is the mother “distracted?” I am curious to know what her flaw is. (I put “guilt-ridden” but you are the one calling the shots.)
What, what, what can or must she do???
As Richiev has pointed out, how can she prove he is not to blame if there is actual proof of him killing someone? Even if he were forced or tricked into it, the fact that he has killed is a heavy stone.
In any case, the second half of the logline makes little sense?syntactically, too. Which brings me to the beginning of this comment:
Please clean up your syntax.
See lessIt’s the early 70’s, a young surfer dude is plucked from his idyllic Southern California beach existence to find himself in a foreign high school amongst a group of variously addled American expat adolescents, running fearlessly and unbridled, through the streets of pre-revolution Tehran.
EDIT: After sitting at my desktop, I can properly write and edit...The formulaPlease read the formula, which goes:When [a MAJOR EVENT happens], [the HERO], must [do the MAIN ACTION].or as I remember it:When the BIG EVENT happens, a FLAWED PROTAGONIST must PERFORM THE MAIN ACTION.This is not suggesteRead more
EDIT: After sitting at my desktop, I can properly write and edit…
The formula
Please read the formula, which goes:
or as I remember it:
This is not suggested in order for your writing to become formulaic, but because this formula is the tool that
Syntax
If you take a second look at your logline, you may see that it is actually a non-sentence. It has two main sentences connected with a comma.
You can fix that by changing the initial “It’s” with “In” but this is not going to make the logline much better.
(Hint: try the formula.)
Poetic language
Meh. All we care about is reading as few words as possible, which also are to be the sharpest words possible.
Look at all the perfume and flowers that you’ve put to your logline?making it reach an enormous 46-word chunk:
Instead of:
… try:
Same number of words, but we get a clearer idea of his flaw?if “naive” is indeed his flaw.
Instead of:
… try:
Instead of:
try telling us what he and they are doing, in specific. The movie can’t be about them running through the streets.
Which brings us to the final part:
The formula (again)
What is missing from your logline is the 3rd element: the MAIN ACTION.
1. Who is the PROTAGONIST??a naive surfer from California
2. What is the BIG THING that happens to him??his family (diplomats? military?) moves to 70s Tehran.
(I actually love the idea so far.)
Now, let’s pause for a moment. Is that the big event? I mean, don’t get me wrong, it’s pretty big, but it could mean anything.We don’t get a sense of the specific forces of antagonism that arise. Why is this a big thing for him? Is he nostalgic of the California beaches? Or is there something else?
(In Karate Kid, Larusso moves to LA from another state?or wherever?and hates it. Still the big thing is not the move itself, but facing the Cobra Kai guys.)
So, what is the something else? You mention something about American expat teenagers. What about them? Do they clash with local law? Do they clash with each other? Why are they running through the streets?
This part needs clarification, in order to provide clear sense of the antagonism.
3. What ACTION must he take?
This is the other part that is missing. Having established the antagonism, what is the action that the protagonist must take? We are talking about the main action, the main objective that will drive the whole 2nd Act.
Have a good rewrite!
See lessIt’s the early 70’s, a young surfer dude is plucked from his idyllic Southern California beach existence to find himself in a foreign high school amongst a group of variously addled American expat adolescents, running fearlessly and unbridled, through the streets of pre-revolution Tehran.
also, having an American relocated to Iran is actually the catch of the concept. The hook. Still, you have it in the very end of the log line. I would put this right on at the beginning.
also, having an American relocated to Iran is actually the catch of the concept. The hook. Still, you have it in the very end of the log line.
I would put this right on at the beginning.
See less