1. Posted: March 4, 2019In:

    Two friends travel through eastern europe as street musicians, searching for folk music and exploring the depths of their friendship.

    giannisggeorgiou Samurai

    Give us some sense of conflict.

    Give us some sense of conflict.

    See less
    • 1
  2. Posted: March 3, 2019In:

    Thelma is the eldest sibling of a travelling show family that is struggling to survive the Great Depression. An enigmatic swagman joins the nomadic showmen and everything changes for her. Thelma discovers she wants more out of life ? a husband and a ?normal? home. She must choose between her family or her dreams.

    Best Answer
    giannisggeorgiou Samurai

    First of all, eliminate the name. No names needed; they simply take space; word count; real estate.Second, be specific about the effect of the swagman."Everything changes for her" is generic, general, vague, clich?, non-specific, telling us nothing. Do they fall in love? Does he brainwash her? DoesRead more

    First of all, eliminate the name. No names needed; they simply take space; word count; real estate.

    Second, be specific about the effect of the swagman.“Everything changes for her” is generic, general, vague, clich?, non-specific, telling us nothing. Do they fall in love? Does he brainwash her? Does he rape her? Does he kill her father? All these are different stories.

    And how can a nomad’s joining a family of nomads result in the daughter’s decision that she wants a normal home? One would expect that she would desire this if she actually came in contact with a normal home and realised that she wanted one. Perhaps there is a good answer, but your logline?as it is now?does not enclose it or suggest it.

    Lastly “choosing” is not an action that sustains the hour or so of a film’s 2nd Act. It has been said many a time in this forum: choosing is momentary. You choose; it’s over. To find a strong action, you need an objective and a conflict.

    I suggest you study the formula. It is extremely helpful in wrapping your head around your idea.

    See less
    • 0
  3. Posted: March 2, 2019In:

    When the dark secrets of a timid family man are about to be exposed by an anonymous source, he must take on dangerous assignments over the course of one night, in an attempt to save his marriage and family.

    giannisggeorgiou Samurai

    I would suggest being more specific about: what the dark secrets are what the dangerous assignments are?perhaps have one dangerous assignment? How many do you need? If you know the answers, share in the logline and see if that version gets better feedback. I bet it will. Nobody likes vagueness; it sRead more

    I would suggest being more specific about:

    • what the dark secrets are
    • what the dangerous assignments are?perhaps have one dangerous assignment? How many do you need?

    If you know the answers, share in the logline and see if that version gets better feedback. I bet it will. Nobody likes vagueness; it sounds a lot like generic-ness.

    See less
    • 0