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  1. Posted: February 22, 2019In: Drama

    New to a civilian world, an ex soldier freshly divorced from an abusive marriage, is forced to live with his PTSD twin sister while trying to build a business to pay the bills.

    giannisggeorgiou Samurai
    Added an answer on February 22, 2019 at 10:47 pm

    Does the sister have PTSD and not him? Was the sister in the army, too? Did she have a personal trauma that we need to know of? This premise sounds like the beginning of a movie. We are waiting for a "Then..." Of course, lots of dramas are just that. In that case, we probably expect to read more aboRead more

    Does the sister have PTSD and not him? Was the sister in the army, too? Did she have a personal trauma that we need to know of?

    This premise sounds like the beginning of a movie. We are waiting for a “Then…”

    Of course, lots of dramas are just that. In that case, we probably expect to read more about the conflict of the story. Does the conflict come from the sister? What about her?

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  2. Posted: February 21, 2019In: Action

    Broken hearted and riddled with terrifying nightmares, a once sassy Skylar Claymore struggles to get her mojo back. The loss of her husband, her home, her unborn baby and her job drives Skylar to become a drunken loose cannon. When she survives a home invasion and attempted rape, Skylar finds self-defense classes at a martial arts school to combat her fears and nightmares. When the Grandmaster unlocks a hidden talent, Skylar is drawn into an underground legion of martial artists. An excommunicated blood-thirsty member of the secret group threatens to destroy the heart of the legion. Skylar must learn to master her darkest fears to protect it.

    giannisggeorgiou Samurai
    Added an answer on February 22, 2019 at 3:27 am

    The amount of words is a result of your own confusion about your story's structure. Look at all the story elements that you've put in: She was sassy She has lost her husband She has lost her home She has lost her unborn baby She has lost her job She has become broken-hearted and riddled with terrifyRead more

    The amount of words is a result of your own confusion about your story’s structure. Look at all the story elements that you’ve put in:

    • She was sassy
    • She has lost her husband
    • She has lost her home
    • She has lost her unborn baby
    • She has lost her job
    • She has become broken-hearted and riddled with terrifying nightmares
    • She drinks
    • She is a loose-cannon (in what sense?)
    • She survives a home invasion and attempted rape (or is this the same event that caused the loss of her husband, unborn baby etc?)
    • She starts self-defense classes at a martial arts school to combat her fears and nightmares.
    • The Teacher (Grandmaster is more of a chess term) sees a hidden talent in her.
    • She is drawn into an underground legion of martial artists. (Does this happen because of the Teacher’s discovery of her talent?)
    • An excommunicated blood-thirsty member of the secret group threatens to destroy the heart of the legion.
    • Skylar must learn to master her darkest fears to protect it.

    You have a character.
    Be clear about what is in the backstory.
    Be clear about what the main event is.
    Be clear about what the main action is.

    Richiev very cleverly added:

    …the rival group that killed her family.

    She may care about the legion, but my bet is that her mind and heart is fixed to her loss.

    By the way, don’t add too much to it. Husband and unborn child is enough. Job and home she may simply abandon, due to the trauma.

    You definitely have a nice revenge story there?please sort out the structure!

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  3. Posted: February 21, 2019In: Horror

    When a streamer and his group of friends bully a stranger off a multiplayer game, they are targeted by him in real life with his own game, the streamer is left two steps behind and is in a race to stop the killings over the next 48 hours. Working Title: Stream (c)

    giannisggeorgiou Samurai
    Added an answer on February 22, 2019 at 3:08 am

    When a streamer and his group of friends bully a stranger off a multiplayer game, they are targeted by him in real life.Agreed, this is a nice I know What You Did Last Log-In?premise.with his own gameWhat do you mean? What kind of game is his? (Real-life game I suppose. A hunt?) You should give someRead more

    When a streamer and his group of friends bully a stranger off a multiplayer game, they are targeted by him in real life.

    Agreed, this is a nice I know What You Did Last Log-In?premise.

    with his own game

    What do you mean? What kind of game is his? (Real-life game I suppose. A hunt?) You should give some hint about what his vengeful game is.

    …the streamer is left two steps behind and is in a race to stop the killings over the next 48 hours.

    I didn’t get this part at all. Two steps behind whom? What killings?

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