1. Posted: December 5, 2018In:

    When an FBI agent comes in contact with someone’s mind altering dark side, she must make to tough decision to kill him and end the monster’s destructive ways or face the consequences of her actions of letting him live.

    giannisggeorgiou Samurai

    When an FBI agent comes in contact with someone?s mind altering dark side, she must make to tough decision to kill him and end the monster?s destructive ways or face the consequences of her actions of letting him live. In general, this logline suffers from obscurity and generality. Let's see, first,Read more

    When an FBI agent comes in contact with someone?s mind altering dark side, she must make to tough decision to kill him and end the monster?s destructive ways or face the consequences of her actions of letting him live.

    In general, this logline suffers from obscurity and generality.

    Let’s see, first, the 3 essentials:

    1. EVENT: ?
    2. CHARACTER: an [ADJECTIVE HERE] FBI agent.
    3. ACTION: ?

    So, all we have is a generic FBI agent, with no other personality traits.

    Then, we have:

    1. Someone with a mind altering dark side: I agree with the previous comments; you need to get more specific. This is most probably your villain, but it can be anything: Hannibal Lecter, Darth Vader, The Thing, The Orphan, Dracula?or a psychic, as Richiev put it. What does your story have?

    2. Then, we have the agent’s decision to kill him: since when do the police make decisions to kill or not to kill people? Police officers or FBI agents are supposed to arrest criminals, not kill them.

    Moreover, as it has been said a lot of times in this forum, a decision is not a movie action. A decision lasts for a few beats. It cannot drive the plot of a whole movie.

    3. The consequences of letting him live: vague, too; we know nothing about that. Elaborate, please.

    4. Are you sure this is a horror and not a thriller or a crime film?

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  2. Posted: November 19, 2018In:

    Once infected by a neurovirus that has an AI interface, it promises to help the host survive if the host helps with the mission of it’s own: to kill the other AI Neuroviruses that threaten it’s very existence.

    giannisggeorgiou Samurai

    Your syntax needs a lot of cleaning. I guess your main character is the host, but you present the host in a very secondary fashion.The main event is obviously the virus infection, plus an AI interface that goes with it.The action is also missing. I guess the goal is getting rid of the virus,but we nRead more

    Your syntax needs a lot of cleaning. I guess your main character is the host, but you present the host in a very secondary fashion.

    The main event is obviously the virus infection, plus an AI interface that goes with it.

    The action is also missing. I guess the goal is getting rid of the virus,but we need to get a hint of the action that would lead to achieving this goal.

    When infected with an AI-possessing neurovirus (EVENT), a snarky IT developer (CHARACTER) must destroy the infected server (ACTION) before she turns into a digital zombie.

    Or something like that.

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  3. Posted: November 19, 2018In:

    A lonely young boy becomes mute after the death of his sister but, with the help of a talking toy fox, he rediscovers his voice and performs in the school play.

    giannisggeorgiou Samurai

    Is the death of his sister the story's EVENT? Is it the inciting incident that starts the adventure?I don't think so. For some reason, I get the feeling that the death of his sister is a backstory event. If that is the case, don't put it in the logline.Moreover, if that is the case, you are also lefRead more

    Is the death of his sister the story’s EVENT? Is it the inciting incident that starts the adventure?

    I don’t think so. For some reason, I get the feeling that the death of his sister is a backstory event. If that is the case, don’t put it in the logline.

    Moreover, if that is the case, you are also left with only a CHARACTER: a mute boy. No EVENT and no ACTION.

    Performing in the school play is not an ACTION, but a goal. The ACTION is what the boy needs to do in order to rediscover his voice. (Actually, rediscovering his voice is probably the real goal.)

    For example:

      1. A grieving MUTE BOY sees an audition poster for a school play. He wishes he had his voice back, in order to perform and enchant the audience. (He is also grieving for his dead sister -that’s his backstory wound.)
      2. [Some EVENT] happens, that swings the boy off-balance. For example: he goes to audition for a mute part, but he gets bullied by classmates; he trips off the stage and hits his head, falls down the rabbit hole, and ends up in the Land of Oz.
      3. In the New World, the Mute boy meets magical talking fox. The fox tells him that he needs to [perform ACTION] in order to retrieve his voice. (For example, he needs to climb to Mt. Everest,in order to find his voice frozen in the show, or whatever.

    And you take it from there, I guess. I hope I helped.

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