1. Posted: July 10, 2013In:

    Allan the ant learns to love and bonds with his estranged father who is now a part of a rival colony, but when tensions rise between the two colonies, Allan vows to do the right thing.

    jamesmichael Penpusher

    This logline feels like it jumps in halfway through the story and then gives away the 3rd act. I'd like to know at what point does the ant meet and then learn to love his estranged father? Is this all in the first act? I would try to tighten the logline up up a little and then clarify what the Ant'sRead more

    This logline feels like it jumps in halfway through the story and then gives away the 3rd act.
    I’d like to know at what point does the ant meet and then learn to love his estranged father? Is this all in the first act? I would try to tighten the logline up up a little and then clarify what the Ant’s actual goal is. is it to create a relationship with his father or to stop the two colonies going to war.
    “When Allan the Ant learns that his estranged father is from a rival Ant colony he must stop the rising tensions between the two colonies if he has any hope of rekindling a relationship”
    Obviously this isnt perfect and may not fit your story at all but its just an example

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  2. Posted: July 8, 2013In:

    When a woman from another planet falls down from the sky, A father who has lost his wife and son, helps the woman get back to where she came from.

    jamesmichael Penpusher

    I like the idea but i think that you need to have a think about who the lead character is? Is it the woman who falls from the sky or the father whose lost his wife and son? If its the father whose journey it is i would suggest changing the loglien around to reflect this. Something like 'A man whoseRead more

    I like the idea but i think that you need to have a think about who the lead character is? Is it the woman who falls from the sky or the father whose lost his wife and son?
    If its the father whose journey it is i would suggest changing the loglien around to reflect this.
    Something like ‘A man whose recently lost his wife and son discovers a woman whose fallen from the sky and must…”
    I think this will help correct you’re p.o.v problem and help you assess what the main goal of the two chracters really are

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  3. Posted: April 4, 2013In:

    When a government Space station is taken over by a terrorist organisation, its paper pushing engineer must escape to help protect both his wife and national security

    jamesmichael Penpusher

    Steven you make some interesting points. As a result I have tried to change the logline a little to focus more on the fact that indeed the terrorists have taken his wife hostage on earth and his goal is to escape the station in order to save her: "When space station, that powers a high-tech prison oRead more

    Steven you make some interesting points. As a result I have tried to change the logline a little to focus more on the fact that indeed the terrorists have taken his wife hostage on earth and his goal is to escape the station in order to save her:

    “When space station, that powers a high-tech prison on earth, gets taken by a terrorist organisation its paper pushing engineer must escape upon learning that the terrorists have taken his wife hostage back on earth”

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