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When an underprivileged Pakistani boy is murdered by his richer and more influential counterpart, his friends set on a journey to seek justice in a corrupt world designed to protect those in power. But is it justice they seek or revenge?
Wow - why did I say Afghanistan?!? Sorry for that! Here's something I put together ... may or may not be on the same page ... but just food for thought: "[Name], an underprivileged Pakistani teen, is gruesomely murdered and the Karachi government turns a corrupt blind eye to protect the wealthy famiRead more
Wow – why did I say Afghanistan?!? Sorry for that!
Here’s something I put together … may or may not be on the same page … but just food for thought:
“[Name], an underprivileged Pakistani teen, is gruesomely murdered and the Karachi government turns a corrupt blind eye to protect the wealthy family who harbor their suspected teen son. [Name’s] friends swear to avenge his death before the same government officials can retain their power with next month’s election.”
The second sentence could be anything else … just an example.
See lessWhen an underprivileged Pakistani boy is murdered by his richer and more influential counterpart, his friends set on a journey to seek justice in a corrupt world designed to protect those in power. But is it justice they seek or revenge?
I like the idea - sounds catchy. Here are my kudos and concerns: 1. Who: what does "counterpart" mean in this case? Someone of the same age? This needs to be crystal clear. 2. What: got it! Friends are out to exact revenge ... or seek justice. I just can't figure out how one or the other is going toRead more
I like the idea – sounds catchy. Here are my kudos and concerns:
1. Who: what does “counterpart” mean in this case? Someone of the same age? This needs to be crystal clear.
2. What: got it! Friends are out to exact revenge … or seek justice. I just can’t figure out how one or the other is going to be the core of your story. Maybe I’m just being thick and not seeing. Aren’t justice and revenge fundamentally the same in scope? Both hold the guilty accountable for their crimes. Secondly they act as a form of punishment.
3. Where: Afghanistan. Good – but let’s make it a bit more intimate. Where in Afghanistan? Tiny mountain village? The lowland deserts?
4. When: if a specific time is not required, then give a deadline. What’s driving the protagonists to act now and act quickly?
5. Why: that is the question! Was the rich kid jealous? Taking out a next of kin in fight for power?
Just some tweaking and I think you’ll have a good logline to start fleshing out an outline.
See lessA petty thief, an illegitimate son and a father; the trio are sitting at the same restaurant unknowingly, only to discover later that their paths will meet when the biggest heist will make them come together at some point only to reveal the deeper connection and there is more to lose than the money.
First: thank you for keeping it to one sentence, albeit a long one. :-) But that is the first thing I always look for: length - because the logline will serve as your pitch ... if it takes you any longer than 10 seconds to say it without losing the listener, then you've hit it! But let's talk aboutRead more
First: thank you for keeping it to one sentence, albeit a long one. 🙂 But that is the first thing I always look for: length – because the logline will serve as your pitch … if it takes you any longer than 10 seconds to say it without losing the listener, then you’ve hit it! But let’s talk about content. Ultimately the core of your story is what? A TWIST! So let’s pull something together without being so obvious.
Who: you’ve introduced the characters, but there needs to be a greater gap between the illegitimate son and father – that screams of foreshadowing. The petty thief – sure, you can run with that, but again it may be a bit obvious. And try to use characters that we haven’t seen as protagonists: i.e., a hardworking construction worker, an honest attorney, or a by-the-book cop (ok, I may have offended some people). But you get the gist.
What: the biggest heist – good. But what is this biggest heist? This isn’t the “twist”, so it’ll be ok to reveal here … and remember to make it unique. A jewel or art heist is played out. Bank robbery – zzzzzzzz. Make sure it’s consistent with the theme, i.e., comedy – kidnapping Shamu from Sea World, thriller – gov’t secret, but nothing that’s a conspiracy theory …
Where: place – whether proper noun or not … give us a setting.
When: past, present, future … or during a specific time like “The Great Depression” … give us a sense. OR if the “when” is not necessary to the story, then replace with a deadline – this is the ticking time bomb!
Why: this is where you hint at the twist without teeing it up for us.
Bang this out again and see how it shapes. Then let me know because I’d like to read what you come up with … and then we can work on it again. Loglines are never perfect the first, second, or twentieth time. Revision, revision, revision until it’s as tight as you can get it.
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