1. Posted: April 21, 2015In:

    When a distrusting telepath learns his whole life has been a lie, he must take on the shadowy agency he works for to uncover his real past.

    Knightrider Mentor

    Thanks. I guess I am trying to get across the fact he doesn't like what he is doing and has always been against it he's fighting his own supposed nature. He's haunted by the echos if the minds he's been with. Any suggestions for a word that'll act as the flaw I'm trying to get across almost like selRead more

    Thanks. I guess I am trying to get across the fact he doesn’t like what he is doing and has always been against it he’s fighting his own supposed nature.

    He’s haunted by the echos if the minds he’s been with. Any suggestions for a word that’ll act as the flaw I’m trying to get across almost like self doubt, reluctance I guess.

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  2. Posted: April 16, 2015In:

    Abducted as a small child, a college hoop star must endure a season of unexpected obstacles when he sets out to find his long-lost dad.

    Knightrider Mentor

    Agree with the above comment seems like all the elements are there, but maybe the wording needs some arranging. This is just a personal preference, but I would tweak it so the chance at a Basketball Career would somehow be in conflict with his father. Maybe when he is reunited with his father he, ofRead more

    Agree with the above comment seems like all the elements are there, but maybe the wording needs some arranging.

    This is just a personal preference, but I would tweak it so the chance at a Basketball Career would somehow be in conflict with his father. Maybe when he is reunited with his father he, of course, wants to bond with him, but his father is from a line of farmers, and expects his son to be the same and now the only way the son can have a relationship with his father is to do something he isn’t good at and has him wondering if he was better off without his dad.

    Maybe the dad has some dead seeded resentment towards the son as he is doing what he should have done and followed his dreams rather than what was expected of him.

    Just my thoughts, wish you the best of luck

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  3. Posted: April 15, 2015In:

    A young adventurer comes to Greece to prevent the sale of his grand parents holiday house, but meets his sandbox love as a badass broker who needs every cent during the financial crisis.

    Knightrider Mentor

    I like this a lot, there is plenty of conflict and tension to draw from this. I can see a clear goal: Save the House. If I were to nitpick, you may want to try and add an element of a ticking clock, maybe the auction will be in a week etc. Overall I think it is very good

    I like this a lot, there is plenty of conflict and tension to draw from this. I can see a clear goal: Save the House.

    If I were to nitpick, you may want to try and add an element of a ticking clock, maybe the auction will be in a week etc.

    Overall I think it is very good

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