1. Posted: March 11, 2013In:

    An eskimo with a thirst for human flesh accidentally steals the identity of a popular quiz show host, leading to a one-of-a-kind spectacle of blood, blubber, and cash prizes.

    Kriss Tolliday

    This sounds great fun and intriguing, count me in to watch it! I would, however, agree with Karel in that it tells us up until the inciting incident and we need to know a little more in terms of what his actual goal is. Is it to get back to being an eskimo? Is he going to rig his game shows for hisRead more

    This sounds great fun and intriguing, count me in to watch it! I would, however, agree with Karel in that it tells us up until the inciting incident and we need to know a little more in terms of what his actual goal is. Is it to get back to being an eskimo? Is he going to rig his game shows for his friends? We need to know his goal and obstacles to understand where it will be going.

    See less
    • 0
  2. Posted: March 8, 2013In:

    A lonely night time worker, at a weather station, has gotten tired of his pathetic life, whose wife and children don?t even respect him, when suddenly he meets a woman at work who will change his life for the better ? and the worse.

    Kriss Tolliday

    This is like reading the beginning of the script. You set up too much at the beginning - does it matter he works at a weather station? Surely you can some up he leads a monotonous life in a shorter sentence than the three lines it has taken. Also how does this woman change his life and what is he goRead more

    This is like reading the beginning of the script. You set up too much at the beginning – does it matter he works at a weather station? Surely you can some up he leads a monotonous life in a shorter sentence than the three lines it has taken. Also how does this woman change his life and what is he going to do to change? He needs to be searching for his goal and at the moment there is no goal in sight. Does he fancy this woman or does she help him see life in a positive way? Does she offer his a job, drugs, money to help him out but demands to be paid back? We need to know these kind of incidents to drive the story.

    See less
    • 0
  3. Posted: March 6, 2013In:

    After a reformed ex-gang member's sister is raped and left for dead, he struggles to walk the straight and narrow as his stepmother blames him.

    Kriss Tolliday

    I agree with Timmy, this doesn't inform us of what he is going to have to do. Is he wrestling with his conscience of whether to gain revenge? Does he plan to get it therefore breaking everything he has fought to leave behind? Is it his stepmother he has to do battle with to clear his name of blame?Read more

    I agree with Timmy, this doesn’t inform us of what he is going to have to do. Is he wrestling with his conscience of whether to gain revenge? Does he plan to get it therefore breaking everything he has fought to leave behind? Is it his stepmother he has to do battle with to clear his name of blame? As mentioned above struggling to walk the straight and narrow is far too vague.

    See less
    • 0