1. Posted: March 6, 2013In:

    A fast-talking drifter recruits a supernatural team to help him steal Pandora?s Box from Lucifer, in order to be reinstated as heaven?s Angel of Darkness.

    Kriss Tolliday

    I've seen some of your other versions of this log line and I would say this one is more to the point and doesn't over explain, however I'm unsure why him being 'fast-talking' will have any relevance and think a different adjective should be used here, perhaps something that fits in with the tone. ARead more

    I’ve seen some of your other versions of this log line and I would say this one is more to the point and doesn’t over explain, however I’m unsure why him being ‘fast-talking’ will have any relevance and think a different adjective should be used here, perhaps something that fits in with the tone. A much better attempt though.

    See less
    • 0
  2. Posted: March 5, 2013In:

    In a near future where nothing is safe from corporate logos, a burnt out advertising worker rebels when his company markets his new born child.

    Kriss Tolliday

    I think an antagonist needs to be mentioned. You have kind of mentioned his company doing the wrong but is it his boss who orders it to happen as a way to get back at the protagonist? Or is it a deeper government issue that he is fighting against and it is a politician he seeks to stop? I would alsoRead more

    I think an antagonist needs to be mentioned. You have kind of mentioned his company doing the wrong but is it his boss who orders it to happen as a way to get back at the protagonist? Or is it a deeper government issue that he is fighting against and it is a politician he seeks to stop?

    I would also find a way to shorten the opening segment. Could you not just call it a capitalistic future?

    See less
    • 0
  3. Posted: March 4, 2013In:

    A materialistic sell-sword is sent to discover what had stopped the flow of magic that runs the city, but when he learns that the source of the power is the harvested souls of his race, he fights the king to liberate his people.

    Kriss Tolliday

    There is a lot going on here and need to be trimmed. I would personally omit the part about the power being souls of people and have that as a potential twist within the story but put in the log line that he finds the power to be a threat to human race. Think that way you may save on words and keepRead more

    There is a lot going on here and need to be trimmed. I would personally omit the part about the power being souls of people and have that as a potential twist within the story but put in the log line that he finds the power to be a threat to human race. Think that way you may save on words and keep that a shock when within the story. I’m also unsure of what a sell-sword is?!? But that may just be me.

    See less
    • 0