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When a perfectionist hitman kills the wrong man he has only two hours to find out what went wrong before the Mob can take its brutal revenge.
The log line is giving us what we need to know but I do suggest a few minor changes. I agree with the perfectionist description as it doesn't feel very fitting. I would also maybe change the wrong man to wrong target, simply because you use the term man two words before and makes it sound a little oRead more
The log line is giving us what we need to know but I do suggest a few minor changes. I agree with the perfectionist description as it doesn’t feel very fitting. I would also maybe change the wrong man to wrong target, simply because you use the term man two words before and makes it sound a little odd (this is my thing really). Other than that it is coming on but still think there is a way to tighten it. Perhaps look at the line ‘find out what went wrong’, a little generic and think you can find a better phrase or a better task.
See lessA gypsy has drugs to pick up in Chicago, while a lesbian ballerina thinks they?re sharing gas across the county to see family, but when she finds out the truth she picks up a rock and throws it at his face. With no money to get them home, and an appointment to keep with a drug dealer the couple decides to finish the job.
I like Riley's little twist, think that could work. The log line is far too long and tells us far too much. It needs to be short and sweet - the rock in the face bit is unneeded as that is an incident within the story not the story itself. It needs to be the main character (possibly the gypsy goingRead more
I like Riley’s little twist, think that could work. The log line is far too long and tells us far too much. It needs to be short and sweet – the rock in the face bit is unneeded as that is an incident within the story not the story itself. It needs to be the main character (possibly the gypsy going for the drugs) is on route to a drug deal but is prevented from doing this and now has to make a choice. This is mainly what the log line needs at the moment it is just too much and more like your telling us the entire story and not the premise that makes us want to engage in it.
See lessIn order to seduce his junior assistant, a conceited inventor exchanges bodies with an attractive stranger. But when she rejects his advances and he loses control of his research, he must attempt to reverse the exchange or else face the rest of his life living someone else's.
It tells us the story but seems to go around the block in order to tell it. I think a lot of this could be cut and we would still get the same idea. I would get rid of telling us his advances are rejected as that will be something to learn along the journey and instead I would state he changes body'Read more
It tells us the story but seems to go around the block in order to tell it. I think a lot of this could be cut and we would still get the same idea. I would get rid of telling us his advances are rejected as that will be something to learn along the journey and instead I would state he changes body’s to get the girl but it goes wrong and he has to change back before he’s stuck. That to me is the story and the love story would by the ‘B’ story which doesn’t need to be mentioned here.
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