1. Posted: January 28, 2013In:

    A novice hit woman accidentally kills her first employer and now must take out an avenging mob when they threaten to kill her family and relatives.

    Kriss Tolliday

    This does give us the story line but does feel very flat. It needs something to make it more riveting and stand out. Has she got a new born baby? Is her employer a deadly guy the police have been tracking for years? Why has she become a hit woman? It just needs something to make it stand out from thRead more

    This does give us the story line but does feel very flat. It needs something to make it more riveting and stand out. Has she got a new born baby? Is her employer a deadly guy the police have been tracking for years? Why has she become a hit woman?

    It just needs something to make it stand out from the crowd, also family and relatives kind of means the same thing so one of these can be taken away.

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  2. Posted: January 25, 2013In:

    A forgotten pop music icon stuck in the past, stages his own death to generate a spike in record sales and takes on an alias as an underground rapper to avoid an aggressive fraud detective.

    Kriss Tolliday

    I quite like this idea. It seems original. A few queries though - how would he ever see the money if he's supposed to be dead? Is that when they cotton onto him that an underground rapper is now getting his fortune? How will he cover up his death? And when you say stuck in the past do you mean mentaRead more

    I quite like this idea. It seems original. A few queries though – how would he ever see the money if he’s supposed to be dead? Is that when they cotton onto him that an underground rapper is now getting his fortune? How will he cover up his death? And when you say stuck in the past do you mean mentally or is this a weird time travel movie?

    The log line can certainly do with some trimming. It certainly gets the story across but a lot of it can be condensed. The opening line feels like it could be trimmed to a few words, as well as the staging his death line. A good idea but the log line just needs the fat cut out.

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  3. Posted: January 24, 2013In:

    A psychology major delves into his own mind by practicing lucid dreaming, but quickly finds himself losing control of these dreams as they force him to confront his darkest fears, secrets, and memories.

    Kriss Tolliday

    This does sound like something that may already be out there but it is also something that sounds intriguing. My main comment with the line is to not be too general by saying 'confront his darkest fears, secrets and memories' and instead pinpoint something her is going to face. You need to know theRead more

    This does sound like something that may already be out there but it is also something that sounds intriguing. My main comment with the line is to not be too general by saying ‘confront his darkest fears, secrets and memories’ and instead pinpoint something her is going to face. You need to know the details of this story and this needs to come across in the log line.

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