1. Posted: February 1, 2013In:

    When young woman receives bad news, she must seek ways to keep going through her grief.

    Kriss Tolliday

    What's the bad news? What will she do to get over it? What will happen if she doesn't? This sounds like a line for many films involving someone who receives bad news so what makes yours different and stand out? This is far too vague so far. Love the title though.

    What’s the bad news? What will she do to get over it? What will happen if she doesn’t? This sounds like a line for many films involving someone who receives bad news so what makes yours different and stand out? This is far too vague so far.

    Love the title though.

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  2. Posted: January 30, 2013In:

    A young football chairman struggles to keep the club afloat, relationships in the boardroom are strained, will Dreary FC survive?

    Kriss Tolliday

    This is a tough one to look at as like Richiev says it is very vague but seeing as it is an overall idea for a sitcom series I can understand why it is. Perhaps you need to think of it as whether there is an antagonist present throughout the entire series that triggers the club to begin to struggle.Read more

    This is a tough one to look at as like Richiev says it is very vague but seeing as it is an overall idea for a sitcom series I can understand why it is.

    Perhaps you need to think of it as whether there is an antagonist present throughout the entire series that triggers the club to begin to struggle. Was it a big transfer? Banks called back debts? Relegation?

    ‘After relegation from the top tier, a young football chairman must stop the clubs rot or face liquidation.’

    Then I think you need to look at a logline for each individual episode that will highlight the main story of that week crossed with the overall story. When writing for a comedy I always look to Only Fools and Horses as the overall story is simply; ‘A cockney wheeler and dealer and his brother do all they can to become millionaires’, but that isn’t the outline for every episode just like yours isn’t. You need to find a fine line between both.

    Hope this waffle makes sense.

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  3. Posted: January 30, 2013In:

    With time-traveling capabilities, the FBI sends a self-centered agent to observe and report the gruesome murders of a prominent family, but as his feelings begin to change will he have the strength to leave the past alone.

    Kriss Tolliday

    This sounds very much like Deja Vu or Source Code. What is it that will make it different? You have the idea down but think it needs trimming. Try and find a way to use single words where you have used two and perhaps take out the prominent family bit and just replace with notorious murder or infamoRead more

    This sounds very much like Deja Vu or Source Code. What is it that will make it different? You have the idea down but think it needs trimming. Try and find a way to use single words where you have used two and perhaps take out the prominent family bit and just replace with notorious murder or infamous murder. That way people know it was a big deal and uses less words.

    Also nitty picking….. question mark at the end lol.

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