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A teenager girl, forced on a family trip to visit her eccentric Grandmother, becomes an unwitting time traveler after discovering a magical chaise lounge in the attic- trapped in the past, she must seek help from an unlikely source- her 14 year-old Grandmother from 1956.
I would say the revision is better but I agree with Richiev that you should label the girl so it highlights she is the main character of the two, however they seem like they will both be sharing the story time so they are both quite main. After discovering a magical chaise lounge, an (adjective) girRead more
I would say the revision is better but I agree with Richiev that you should label the girl so it highlights she is the main character of the two, however they seem like they will both be sharing the story time so they are both quite main.
After discovering a magical chaise lounge, an (adjective) girl and her brother begin travelling through time. When they find themselves in 1956, the siblings seek help in their 14 year old Grandmother who must help return to their era.
This attempt is a little dry but it is a tough story to boil down. I think you are on the right lines with what you are writing but a few things need clearing up. Hope this helps
See lessThe DEA recruits a group of straght-A model students to help infiltrate a thriving, Pot-dealing business in their high school, not knowing that one of them is the head of the operation, and is using the insider information he has obtained to dodge the police's every move.
This doesn't really give us much. it lets us know a small sample of the story but as Richiev has mentioned you haven't even mentioned the main character. You should be looking to say 'Straight A student (name) is recruited by the DEA to infiltrate a pot-business within the school. As (name) and hisRead more
This doesn’t really give us much. it lets us know a small sample of the story but as Richiev has mentioned you haven’t even mentioned the main character. You should be looking to say
‘Straight A student (name) is recruited by the DEA to infiltrate a pot-business within the school. As (name) and his crew dig into their assignment the DEA realise that they are tracking someone much cleverer than them who continues to remain doing business.’
This is a pretty lame attempt but kind of gets across the sort of areas you need to be looking at. I don’t know if you should announce that the leader is the kingpin and let that be a small twist when people see the film.
The way to get round that is to have the DEA agent as the lead character and he employs a group of high school kids to infiltrate the gang little knowing he has hired the drug kingpin himself.
It depends what angle you are playing the story out from but hopefully this helps you.
See lessWhile being pursued by police and a protection team, David Porter must find the legendary Tony Bill to pay off a gambling debt; or he's dead
I agree that the revision is better and flows more so than your original post. I like the idea that the Tony Bill is kept vague as feel this could be the twist of the story. People will think it is a person and it turns out it's not. Maybe the log line needs a little rewording so it captivates a reaRead more
I agree that the revision is better and flows more so than your original post. I like the idea that the Tony Bill is kept vague as feel this could be the twist of the story. People will think it is a person and it turns out it’s not. Maybe the log line needs a little rewording so it captivates a reader a little more but I do think you are on the right lines.
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